A postcard to the refugees

We are thinking of you,
We wish you were here,
Instead of fleeing your homes
in ever present fear.
struggling to reach us anyway you can,
by boat or on foot across inhospitable land.

The desperation and hardship,
tortured lives so hard to endure,
the realisation only hit us
when Aylan washed up on a Turkish shore.

Please be wary,
European streets aren't paved with gold,
beware the traffickers,
to whom your lives may be sold.

Our thoughts are with you,
we are all hand in hand,
we urge you onwards,
to your chosen promised land.

Biscuit:  Tutku
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Lee from his holiday in Turkey

Chips Ahoy

Avast, me hearties
we've come over all piratical,
Why didn't the pirate have aspirins?
Because his parrot ate 'em all.

Long John Silver, Blackbeard,
Black Dog and Blind Pugh,
all tyrannical pirates
instilling fear in their crew.

They man the main mast
to see plunder from afar.
Why are pirates frightening?
Because they ARRRRRRRR!

Shiver me timbers,
pieces of eight,
time to walk the plank
me ole shipmate.

Why does it take pirates
so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend too long at 'C'
no doubt succumbing to the horror
of life with scurvy.

Biscuit: Chips Ahoy Candy Blasts

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.49 from Waitrose in Lymington

The Misteak - A Found Poem

We munched on dark chocolate digestives today, which obviously put us in a dark frame of mind. Perfect for our first stab at a found poem. Found poems take existing texts and refashion, reorder and refresh them into poetry. We were inspired by the writing of journalists Rebecca Armstrong http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/in-sickness-and-in-health-i-hope-that-one-day-hell-want-his-moose-head-again-9882195.html and Samuel Muston http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/features/love-to-eat-steak-heres-how-to-get-the-grill-of-your-dreams-9874005.html. Read their articles and then our poem (best enjoyed if read in a 1920's NY gangster voice).

If it's sticky or has any smell
have nothing to do with it.
It causes more confusion
than trigonometry.
Both were a bit off target.
I knew the meat at room temperature.
But what of the cooking?
We were in danger of running out of oxygen.
You should sell that stuff on eBay.
One day he'll want his head again.

Biscuit: McVitie's Dark Chocolate Digestives

Taste test: 10 out of 10 (quite simply the best)
Cost: Worth every penny from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Polo

This week’s biscuit comes from Jo.

Strangely, it’s called Polo.

Wrapped in green and white and gold,

colours of Ireland, young and old.

By Jacobs of Dublin they’re made

where Molly Malone plied her trade.

As hard as sham rock, dry as bone,

a chip off the old Blarney Stone.

Don’t be confused by the name.

A Polo mint is not the same.

This is not a shirt you can wear

or a frozen, Arctic bear.

It’s not named for a famous Venetian

traveller with his camel train.

Princes don’t play this on horseback

nor is it a small German hatchback.

Sadly, Polo lacks that sweet zest

of Ireland at its green and friendly best.

As one is enough, rather than Polo

perhaps this cookie’s title should be Solo.

Biscuit: Jacob's Solo

Taste test: 4 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Ireland - less than a euro.

Under Malted Milk Wood

To begin, at the beginning
is today's poetic starter,
under Malted Milk Wood
Dylan Thomas would
dream of Polly Garter,
under her washing line
suckling her baby at feeding time.

100 years ago Dylan too
was a babe in arms,
throughout his life
he wooed the world
with his poetic charms,
he inspired us to write biscuit poetry
and today we've achieved a creative century.

And we trust
we will still be in your memory,
when we reach our
biscuit bi-centenary,
we will not
go gently into that good night
rather, millenia of biscuits we yearn to bite.

Biscuit: Malted Milk

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: Under £1 from lovely Lidl in Totton

Nuts about Shakespeare

If biscuits be the food
of thought for our
poetic verse

which fine ingredients
sparked the fire
of our desire
to converse

with you our
friends, Romans, countrymen,
O whose attention
we seek to nurse?

T'was the nuts
that drove us to this brink.
Can Shakespeare's curse
ever be reversed?

Biscuit: Milka choco cookies with NUTS

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: A gift from the mountains of Austria

Belgian Banter

This week's biscuits are from Belgium
by their awesomeness we were struck dumb
the effect of them was quite narcotic
they left us feeling comfortably numb

Belgium, the land of chocolatiers
Tin Tin and Stella Artois beers
As a land it may not carry much clout
but we thank them gladly for brussel sprouts

Jean Claude Van Damme is their meaty main man
the muscles from Brussels with the glowing tan
Famous flemish females are few and far between
with, of course, the exception of Mathilde their noble queen
Wait......
Anita's just had a post biscuit epiphany
of course there's always Audrey from Breakfast at Tiffany's

We'll end this ditty with the demise of Hercule Poirot
the famous Belgian detective hero
just like us, he had to go.

Biscuit: Benim'O and Tutku 

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: Free, a gift from our mate Richard

Scraping the Barrel - a biscuit sonnet

Matt West, Southampton's first Poet Laureate for Children ran a poetry workshop for us today (photo by Clair Anderson). We were tasked with writing a sonnet about broken biscuits. First we learnt all the sonnet rules and then broke them! Here's what we came up with.....


In the end does it really matter
if the biscuits are broken in pieces?
Too many of them will still make you fatter
on your platter with chorizo and cheeses.

This crumb on my plate, to me is a misfit,
it takes away the pleasure of busting my biscuit.
A broken biscuit is a reject left on the shelf,
with no other company apart from itself.

But Paul likes the irregular jigsaw fit
and Lee the malty-cultural mosiac blend.
You never quite know what you are going to get
or how the crumbly experience will end.

Dust to dust, ashes to ashes, who really cares if the biscuit smashes.
Every biscuit is destined to break up and shatter
In the end does it really matter?

We Remember - A Collection of Remembrance Poems

Today we eschewed the biscuit in favour of the poppy as inspiration. 


War by Jegan

As we remember, those who to be frank, gave everything.
Not just their lives but their futures too.
Who is this message addressed to anyway? Survivors?
Is there a goal in War?


Poppy by Olly

The poppy used to symbolise
The death of Tommy and his demise,
But also grown in far of lands,
For uses that are not so grand.

The history is quite ying and yang,
As England's where it all began.
The Victorians greed for laudanum,
Now mass produced in Afghanistan,
Where we fight the Taliban.

Ironically used to represent
The men who died in Flanders,
The soldiers and commanders.

This beautiful flower,
Has so much power,
To evoke feelings of patriotism,
And the misery of addiction,
Which is no joke.


Why Me? by Terry

Why should I go abroad to die?
Why should I sacrifice my life for a lie?
Why should I travel that far to breathe my last?
Why should I fight those who have never been defeated in the past?

A man who never wanted to kill,
A man who could just about pay his gas bill,
Leave me alone, my life to fulfill,
After all the enemy bore me no ill,
Aren't they humans after all?

Why fight one another at someone's will?
Give a thought to those at home,
Love ones and children left alone.

Soldier by Peter

If I were to die
would you think this of me
that here a piece of me may lie
blown on a wave of heat and dust
because I stepped so daintily,
so gingerly upon an IED.

When I come to die
will you think this of me
that here the heart of me may lie
as my swathed and belted body breaks and splits apart
because when you and all of yours depart,
these mountains and this swamp are still my country.

In the Name of ...... by Shan

When a soldier fires his gun,
the deed has already been done,
the lazy greed of grasping MPs,
in their will that has been decreed.

The snivelling faceless pushers at the MOD,
blood spilt flows from their pens,
the heroic troops sweating out their lives,
worthless apologetic letters can never make amends.

As our men wearily tread in a combative dance,
those in power recline in blissful ignorance,
for their country the lionhearted risk life, future and limb,
their deaths appear as numbers on a cheap piece of newsprint.


A No Go Area by Jamie

The blood stained mud that clung to my boots
and the stench of human decay
bits and pieces of soldiers, all good,
around me lay.

Such sorrow and pain, and my heavy heart,
their emotions now all gone,
the faces of my comrades in arms
so sad, so forlorn.

I do not wish to feel or understand
the death and destruction that covers the land 
nor a wish and a prayer from a dying man's lips.
What has happened to humanity? I'd say it has flipped.


Contemplating Remembrance Sunday Lunch by Jo 

As I sit, squashed in, bottom numb on the hard pew
My mind wanders; thoughts of lunch, gravy browning, potatoes too few?

The sombre tones of an army cadet break through my reverie,
Her voice honours the names of the dead unapologetic, deafeningly.

"1914: Large, Herbert; Crabb, Thomas; Browning, Arthur; Large, Alfred."
"1915: Potts, George; Large, George; Smith, James; Large, Bill."

The Large family mourned a loss too huge to comprehend,
Four vital sons, left dead on battlefields, an agonising end.

How their mother coped with her pain, I wish I knew,
Did her thoughts wander to gravy browning, potatoes and sons too few?

Going Down A Storm

As the wind twists and whirls

And its strength unfurls

We taste melts and swirls,

Ardens’ bites and curls.

Divine with wine,

A tease with cheese.

A treat to scoff

With your warming broth.

Risky with whisky,

Tasty with pastry.

Oh my gosh,

So very posh.

Nice to nosh

With champagne, if you’ve the dosh.

Iconic with a gin and tonic,

A delight to bite.

Wouldn’t go amiss in Putney

With pickle and chutney.

Your mouth would water and dribble

If your pub served these as a nibble.

Moreish in a dish.

Will cheer up the flattest beer.

Handy with shandy,

A soak in a coke.

But don’t be in a hurry

To eat them with curry.

A treat to chew

As the gale blew.

Comfort food

To cope with St Jude.

A big thank you to Ardens for their generous box of savoury treats.

Biscuit: Ardens Twists, Curls, Bites, Melts and Swirls

Taste test: 9.6 out of 10
Cost: A gift - yipeeeee!

No More Mr Nice Guy

As you stand tonight with sparklers in hand,
Spare a thought for Guys across the land,
As they're tossed upon their funeral pyres,
Ready to be consumed by raging fires.

Symbols of a yorkshire papist,
An ill-fated anarchist,
Way ahead of his time,
Who failed to complete his heinous crime.

408 long years ago,
Guido Fawkes hit an all time low,
When in his wisdom he did try,
To blow king and parliament sky high.

The gunpowder plot never caught fire,
Guy's quartered corpse was left in the mire,
With today's government causing the nation such pain,
Shall we get him back to try all over again?

Biscuit: Paterson's Shortbread and Biscuit Assortment

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: a penny......

NB: The Scottishness of the shortbread got us thinking about James I (also James VI of Scotland)  and his near downfall at the hands of Guy Fawkes

Carry On Seeing Double

These double choc digestives
have left us with double vision,
we feel like we've downed a double whiskey
and are waiting for the transition,
into our coffee we've poured double cream
looking so sharp in our double denim.

Setting out on a double decker
to meet our double date,
'Drive on at the double!',
we're in double trouble if we're late
for our mixed doubles tennis match,
double love we hope to catch.

Now nestling in the double bed
Each discard their Double D!
Here beneath the double duvet
we're heading into double jeopardy,
time to revel in double exposure
let's double up and find sweet closure.....

Biscuit: McVitie's Double Chocolate Digestives

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

The Biscuit Bards

The Biscuit Poets made a flying visit to Shakespeare's Globe this week to seek poetic enlightenment and inspiration.

Upon participating in an energetic workshop  we were encouraged to channel our inner Titania or Oberon - yes, you guessed it,  Midsummer Night's Dream. The highlight was definitely the moment when Gary (in red above) called to Jo (next to him) "Ill met by moonlight proud Titanic" - I'm sure Shakespeare himself would have preferred Titania's new name, very fitting. Wilf and Shan also wowed us with there incredible rendition of Oberon and Titanic's initial meeting - all the world is definitely a stage where they are concerned!

As you can imagine we were too busy to even munch a biscuit, let alone compose verse about one but fear not fair ladies and nasty knaves we will return fresh from our Shakespearean exploits to woo you with our words next week.

Love

The Biscuit Bards x

Terza Rima Biscotti

This poem is written in Terz Rima - a 3 line stanza form, borrowed from the Italian Poets (e.g.Dante). For those of you who want to have a go, the rhyming scheme is aba, bcb, cdc, ded etc.

Mattina gli amanti biscotto (Good morning biscuit lovers),
Try this almondy biscuit dunked in coffee,
'Suck it and see' is our motto.

We hope you like our verse so lofty,
Enigmatic like the Mona Lisa's smile,
As she chews on her italian biscuit not so soft, si?*

Italy is famous for its style and fashion;
Gucci, Valentino, Versace and Prada,
They use clothes to expresso their passion.

Fast cars fuel the signorina's ardour.

Ferrari, Lamborghini, what could be hotter,

while their macho menfolk, and this biscuit, just grow harder.

*She didn't bank on the almonds within, and ended up with a toothless grin.


Biscuit: Arden & Amici Almond and Chocolate Chunk Biscotti

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £2.49 from Waitrose in Lymington

Twix star-crossed lovers

Today's creative writing session was centred around Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream. During our break we munched on half a Twix each and decided to dig deep and release our inner bards. The resulting poem is definitely a work in progress - it was a tricky task after all! 

If you would like to contribute a line please do, just comment, tweet, or message us on Facebook.

The difference twix day and night;
one is dark the other bright,

like the enduring love twix Helena and Demetrius
cunningly coerced by her Father, Egeus,

or Queen Titania in slumber on grass
awakening to feel love twix her and an acting ass,

whilst the four star crossed lovers stumbled twix fog and mist
Yearning for the course of true love to end in a kiss,

latterly the forest fairies pranced and sang their song
as Puck tried to undo his confusion twix right and wrong.

If you fail to understand our poetic theme,
take heed, it's based on Midsummer Night's Dream.


Biscuit: Twix biscuit fingers (4 x 50g)

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost:  £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Let's Be Syria-ous

President Assad

will be glad

that the UN won't intervene

in Syria's chaotic scene

'cos Vladimir Putin

has been disputin'

and put the boot in

First he wants the weapon inspectors

to detect the

chemical threat

it was decided when Kerry and Putin met

But unlike our biscuit

the Syrian people can't breakaway

many wanted air strikes

to end their plight

so they could put down their arms

and not have to fight

Now they're left

waiting, anticipating

contemplating their fate,

even more drawn into war

and WHAT FOR?

Biscuit: Breakaway

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Ode to Tom, Nell, Bill and Jo

Oh sweet, biscuity Jo
we did not know
just what to write,
but then we found
your auburn hair
shining in the summer light,
fresh in the morning air
with the bright dew all around

We can see you in the jungle,
machete in hand,
trekking with Tom,
the Borneo wild man,
Bill and Nell,
part of your band,
with stomach aches
and twining snakes.

Enjoy your vacation
from your vocation
in public relations
and poetic recitations

But since you've been away
our work has gone gingerly astray.
So now it's time to hurry back,
time to get our poems back on track.
We need your warming, spicy glow
To ginger up our words and make them flow.

Biscuit: Waitrose Stem Ginger Biscuits

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1.75

Jo's on a break... so we're having cake!

Jo is off on her summer break,
We are sick of biscuits, so let's have some cake.
A banana cake that tasted great,
It should be an award-winning bake.

A tasty treat that we love to scoff,
its far better than watching the British Bake-Off.
John should receive the Turner Prize
as the cake disappeared before our very eyes.

While the baking craze sweeps the nation,
We're salivating over John's creation.
Packed with squidgy banana and juicy sultana,
this could take us to taste bud nirvana.

With thanks to John T for our tasty surprise,
Cake is a great treat but we can't tell lies,
Our rebellion is only for a week, we cannot disguise,
We love biscuits, they are our pride.

Biscuit: Banana Cake

Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: Free, made by John Turner

HuRraH it's a boy!

Hear ye all subjects of the realm,
This prince one day will take the helm.
Born yesterday at half past four,
A healthy 8lbs 6, who could ask for more?

Although a week late, it was worth the wait
for all the public at the palace gate.
The Duchess of Cambridge was delivered of a son
Today he's front page of "The Son" - what fun!

The princeling was born fit and healthy,
A golden boy, powerful and wealthy.
What name will be bestowed on him,
Shall it be "All hail King Tim"?

Or Arthur, Andrew, Philip or Olly,
Nay a republican choice would be such folly.
George is the name we think they'll choose,
This is a bet we just can't lose.

P.S. WillKat, can we have an O.B.E. once you've read our poetry?

Biscuit: McVities Gold Bars

Taste test: 9.8 out of 10
Cost: £1.59 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Porkies

As a pig I'm much misunderstood
and I'm not one of those patrolling your neighbourhood!

You say I'm dirty and smelly
while you savour a plate of my pork belly,

Surely my bangers and rashers you'd sorely miss
if they did not feature in your Full English,

You think I'm taboo, I'm unclean
that my eyes are small and mean

Yet I'm celebrated with delight
by George Orwell and E.B. White,

Your children adore my celebrity set
Babe, Miss Piggy, Peppa and Piglet,

How can you say my snout's in the trough
when it's bankers and traders who can't get enough?

I could be your friend, I could be your lover
or maybe just a pig - undercover.



Biscuit: Percy Pig

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £2 from Marks and Spencer in Lymington