Dreaming of a First French Noel

On the first day of Christmas
Our true loves sent to us:
One French quail,
Two garlic snails,
Three French Le Pens,
Four wretched roosters,
Five camemberts,
Six goose livers,
Seven cyclists touring,
Eight escargot stewing,
Nine dames dancing,
Ten frogs a prancing,
Eleven waiters sneering,
Twelve French kisses
Under the mistletoe
With a Michelin star
Or two or three
And a French patisserie
Based on the Bayeux Tapisserie.
A Bayeux Tapestry biscuit
That proved a striking hit,
Unlike this chauvinistic verse,
Which we think one of our worst.
One in the eye, though, Mrs May,
Pour vous et tous les Anglais.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A Very Headway Christmas

[Sung to the Tune of Happy Xmas (War is over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono]

And so this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Have you wrapped all your presents

And written cards to everyone?

A very Headway Christmas

To our supporters and friends

Let’s hope it’s a peaceful one

And all wars come to an end

And so this is Christmas

And what haven’t you done?

Have you ordered a turkey

That will fit your oven?

A very Headway Christmas

Full of sprouts and mistletoe

Charades in pyjamas

And with luck a spot of snow

Work is over

So is school

Time to party

And act the fool!

Biscuit: New Fox's Chocolatey (Dark Choc and Raspberry Mousse)
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Waitrose in Lymington

I can't believe my Mince Pies!

It's Christmas again
and we're raising money for Headway
we have a mince pie mountain
to eat our way through
and a vat of mulled wine to sup too.

We've donned our hats,
don't be a Scrooge
get out your wallets
and buy some food!

Headway's a great charity
and a good cause
so give generously
like Santa Claus.

Thank you to all those who made mince pies. We made a cool £120.

DSOH (Dry Sense of Humour)

Our inspiration's run dry
(not for the first time)
we're in the Sahara of ideas,
as arid as the Atacama,
as desolate as Death Valley,
as dusty as a dust bowl
home to the desert dry wit
of Sandi Toksvig,
the deadpan comic spirit
of Jack Dee,
but not to the far from dry,
sweat soaked Lee Evans.
This poem's so dry,
we don't need to hang it on the line,
spin it in the dryer,
lay it on the radiator,
or drape it on the aga -
suddenly our inspiration's on fire...

Biscuit: Chocolate Chip Cookies (very dry!)
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Denmark

The biscuit that broke our hearts and our teeth

This morning we had a biscuit snack

That came out of a Swedish flat pack

And like most of the products of Ikea

How to open the wrap wasn’t clear.

Once inside all that we found

Was a Scandinavian scam

Kakor Hallon is nothing more than

A biscuit sandwich filled with jam.

This pastry usurper

This bakery imposter

This dicky dodger

This Scandi Scam

Is no more than a crumbling sham.

But the extent of the biscuit’s shortfall

Is matched by the quality of the famous meatball

P.S. We liked them really

The cream especially.

Biscuit: Kakor Hallon
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 80p from Ikea in Southampton 

Funny, they shrunk the chocolate bars!

We suspect a chocolate conspiracy
first Toblerone and it's missing pyramids,
then the incredible shrinking wagon wheel,
there's some shifty business
companies are trying to conceal.

If this minimisation continues
chocolate bars will be extinct,
long before the polar ice caps melt
and our islands sink.

Who wants a world without penguins?
Nothing to P P P pick up,
full of diminished Rocky Bars
with humankind on its way to Mars.

Biscuit: Cadbury's Mini Fingers
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

We're with her!

Today America will decide
whether to take on Jekyll or Hyde
surely out of 325 million
they could have found
better candidates
to lead the United States

Trump is a racist, a liar, a denier,
a groper and a hater
to the environment he's a traitor

Clinton's establishment, out of touch,
been at it for too long,
she's still singing the same political song

One choice is insincerity
the other may start World War III
But if you vote for Trump
you're voting for a bad smell
that can only get worse
and will be America's legacy and curse.

All things considered
WE'RE WITH HER!

Biscuit: McVitie's Digestives Nibbles in dark chocolate
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: From Waitrose in Lymington

Why Am I Waiting?

Why am I still waiting
for the 7:39?
Why am I still waiting?
I’ve been here for a long time.
Is it stormy weather,
or livestock on the line?
Should I wait here ‘til the rain stops
and the sun begins to shine?

I hope it’s not the Union
who have called a strike.
Perhaps they have been offered
a new deal they just don’t like.

Maybe it’s subsidence
or leaves upon the track.
Or maybe it’s the train crew,
the ones they gave the sack.


Maybe there are trespassers
walking on the rails,
or maybe trees have blocked the way
straining against the gales.

If I’m late for work again,
the second time this week,
my boss could give a warning
and my prospects might be bleak.

So why am I still waiting
for the 7:39?
Oh please, come soon,
I must resume,
This damn commute of mine.

#ThumpTrump (metaphorically, of course!)

We've got the hump -
Donald Trump,
the runt,
the grump,
the lumpy chump,
will lead the world
into an almighty slump.
Thankfully his campaign
has encountered a bump
no doubt he'll end up
in the municipal dump
with his roadkill hair
in a ridiculous clump
and rotten food cladding
his plump rump.
He's a joke.
#ThumpTrump*

*metaphorically of course

PS Have you noticed how many negative words rhyme with Trump?

Biscuit: Belvita Breakfast Tops
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £2.79 from Waitrose in Lymington

We're Rootin' and Tootin'

Howdy pardner!

Get awf your hoss

And take a bite of this rootin’, tootin’ chocolate bar.

It’s called a Canyon.

It’s chunky, it’s rugged.

Cacti stand proud in the Wild West landscape of its wrapper.

It promises cowboy adventure and all the glamour of the cowboy life.

But it’s a fiddle.

Cos it comes from Lidl. 

This poem was submitted by a guest writer. If you fancy writing your own biscuit poem then have a go and send it to us through our website: www.headway-southampton.org.uk

Biscuit: Canyon Bar
Taste test: 8.3 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Lidl - thanks Miles!

Teen Eskimo

It's snow joke being a teen eskimo
hungry polar bears snack on you
it's too cold to play Pokemon Go
so you razz around on a rusty skidoo

Whale blubber is fishy and fatty
you smooch with your schnozz
and your sealskin suit's not natty
just sayin' - soz

Winter daylight lasts only a minute
you hang in your igloo with huskies and narwhals
'cos you're an Inuit innit
face it, it ain't lots of LOLS

Biscuit: Eskimo
Taste test: 8.7 out of 10
Cost: 84p from Morrison's in New Milton

Calculation Frustration

The name of these biscuits
is Orange Choco Leibniz.

This German mathematician
is the man that we need
to solve our economic position
with a theory that just might succeed.

He used minus and the plus
to create his calculus.

Now we need his formula for success
and his talent for addition
to get us out of this mess
and save us from division.

If we could put aside our differential
we just might realise our potential.

Biscuit: Orange Choco Leibniz
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: 74p (special offer) from Waitrose in Lymington

Everything and the Kitchen Sink

Is this the first ever

poem to celebrate the kitchen sink?

(Don't worry, it will be over

in a blink.)

If you're posh it's ceramic,

if not, it's stainless steel,

you'd struggle without it

when there are potatoes to peel.

Women used to be chained to them,

now they're the domain of men,

armed with aprons and Marigolds,

a huge performance unfolds!

Perfect for bathing the baby,

the bunny or the dog maybe,

Ideal to wash your pants

or if it's big the elephant's.

If it gets blocked you need to plunge,

to clear away the greasy gunge.

use it to stack the odd dirty dish,

but never as a home for a lonely fish.

It comes in very handy,

for an emergency wee,

don't forget to pull the curtains,

or the neighbours will see!

Biscuit: All butter kitchen sink dunkers
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £3 from M&S in Lymington

Elefunk

Plod, Plod, Flap, Swish
the proud elephant roams the jungle
scoffing bananas - his favourite dish
to placate the sound of his hunger rumble

Plod, Plod, Swish, Flap
the almighty beast cools his skin
showering dust upon his back
scouring the landscape for his kin

Plod, Swish, Plod, Flap
the lonely bull sleeps alone
longing for reunion during his nap
at daybreak, a triumph - his herd is home

Biscuit: Hawaiian Coconut Cookies
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Sri Lanka

Reasons to be morbid

Why, now, are there so many atrocities?
like the murderous truck driver in Nice,
black Americans being killed by police,
it needs to cease - where's the peace?
There are too many deceased,
families are refusing to be appeased,
by the same tired governments ignoring their needs.
When they're not blaming everything on refugees,
their bringing the working class to its knees.
Time is running out on the planet's lease,
we're killing the bees, destroying the trees,
suffocating the world with corruption and sleaze.
Stop! We need a reprieve.

Biscuit: Amaretti Morbidi
Taste test: 7.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Italy

Wish You Were Here?

Only mad dogs and English men
go out in the mid-day sun,
with hankies on their head
and tattoos on their bum.

Boiled pink lobsters
dominate the landscape,
with warm beer and rowdy cheer
I bet you wish
you were here.

Only two days to go
of the UK summer window,
perfect weather for Pokemon Go
time to fire up the BBQ
and flame grill a pikachu.

Biscuit: Chocolate Chip cookies
Taste test:  9.8 out of 10
Cost: From Lidl. 4 for £1. Thanks Anita!

No longer in the pink

We're no longer in the PINK
we're sitting on the brink
watching the UK sink
Politicians of every shade
are stepping aside
when we need them the most
they're all off to hide
Have they no pride?
For the BLUE team
Cameron's gone off in a huff
whilst the RED shadow cabinet
have disappeared in a puff
Farage's reached the end
of his PURPLE reign
Will he ever be seen again?
BLACK hearted Gove
stabbed Boris in the back
now he's moved on
to give the leadership a crack
The future is certainly not bright
our colourful world
is turning BLACK and WHITE
We need a RAINBOW or
a bright YELLOW sun
come on, sort it out
this just isn't fun!

Biscuit: Pink Panther Wafers
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Lee

Things that give us joy

The nation's in meltdown,
our collective mood is dark.
but will the future really be so stark?

We need optimism in a heavy dose
here's a joyous list to make you feel less morose.

Things that give us joy
Feeding elephants
Grandchildren
Chocolate
Swimming in the sea
Family
Sleep
Reading a good book
A pink glittery scooter
Rollercoasters
Walks in the sunshine
Tattoos
The cinema
Smell of freshly cut grass
Proper summer
Singing
Smiles
Snow
Music
Dancing
Thunderstorms
Rainbows
Baby animals
Raw carrots
Smell of coffee
Friends
Tea
Horseriding
Love
Running
Exercise
Laughter
Adrenalin endorphins
Biscuits

Biscuit: Tuscan Shortbread Crescents Dipped in Chocolate
Taste test:  9 out of 10
Cost: From Tuscany

Don't Forget To Vote!

Rich and Nutty
like Mr Johnson,
he wants us
to leave the EU,
do you?

Are you in or out?
Or do you shake it all about?
Everyone's confused
of that there is no doubt.

It's either Farage's barrage
of xenophobia,
or the Fat Cats and bureaucrats
(and not forgetting expats),
who have a lot to gain if we remain.

Where's the truth?
There's so much uncertainty
from every party,
experts are dismissed as liars
and we're inundated with misleading flyers.
There's so much at stake,
it's the biggest decision we'll make.

So think long and hard
when you go with your polling card,
vote with your gut feeling
not just with what sounds appealing.

Biscuit: Rich and Nutty Peanut Cookies
Taste test:  8.9 out of 10
Cost: From Tesco in Brockenhurst - made in the EU!

Darkness Descends

Why do people administer
acts of darkness,
so abhorrent and sinister?

Last week football hooligans intent on violence,
succeeded in clouding the Euros in stunned silence.
Across the water innocent clubbers were felled,
by a rampant gunman on the road to hell.

Each week the headlines are more bleak,
we can't go on turning the other cheek
whilst a constant stream of extreme factions,
carry out senseless, brutal activity.

Wars have been fought over less,
why is the world in such a mess?

Biscuit: Loacker Gran Pasticceria Dark Hazlenut
Taste test:  9.9 out of 10
Cost: From Waitrose in Lymington

R.I.P. Muhammad Ali

The Louisville Lip
always quick with a quip
he floated like a butterfly
stung like a bee
always voicing his opinions lyrically

Boxing wasn't his only fight
he also fought for human rights
he was conditioned to win
not to kill
he refused to go to war
against  his will

Ali had a rumble in the jungle
and a thriller in Manila
knocking out George Foreman
calling Joe Fraser a gorilla

A heavy weight champ
who championed his race
and fought for a world
where everyone had their place

His bout with Parkinson's
was his hardest ever
three decades long
an unwinnable endeavour

Rest in peace Muhammad Ali

Biscuit: Sweet Biscuit Assortment
Taste test:  7 out of 10
Cost: From Sainsbuy's in Southampton

The Good Old Days?

Were the good old days
really that wonderful?
Or are false memories
causing the heartstrings to pull?

Was the music that much better?
Did the winters demand a sweater?
Were there really lots of jobs,
neighbours friendly, without dangerous dogs?
Are people now acting like drones
spending all day on their mobile phones?
Were the phones not so congested?
Were our children more seldom tested?
Did we not depend on technology,
but used our brains as they're meant to be?
Were 3 channels quite enough?
Today they're watching rubbish stuff.

Are those days we're really missing?
Or are we sentimentally reminiscing?
When our thoughts become regressive
maybe we should eat a Tuckey's digestive.

Biscuit: Tuckey's Proper Digestives
Taste test:  5 out of 10
Cost: From Waitrose in Lymington

Funny Bunny

A fish called Swishy
a hamster hailed Hamlet
a kitty with Mittens
and a dog who's a Scruff
Pets, can you ever love them enough?

Joey's a budgie
always in flap
Lucky is an extraordinary
black and white cat
Sylvester's a horse
who's completed the course
Sidney's a snake
shedding his skin
Snowy's a parrot
creating a din

But Nibbles, Oh Nibbles
he's the cream of the crop
so flouncy and bouncy
a funny bunny on the hop.

Biscuit: McVitie's Digestives Nibbles
Taste test:  7 out of 10
Cost: £1.50 in Waitrose

Foxtastic

Leicester City have won,
even though their odds were 5000 - 1,
they've outfoxed all the major teams,
by working together to achieve their dreams.

Wenger is whinging, Pochettino is cringing,
whilst Claudio Ranieri
has become Leicester's magic fairy,
this Mr Nice Guy has managed his team,
without resorting to tantrums or screams.

Perhaps Richard III influenced their glory,
since being found 10ft under a multi-storey.
Commentators love to keep the underdogs in boxes,
but the script's been rewritten by the triumphant Foxes!

Biscuit: Fox's Nice Creams
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: £1 in Poundland, Totton.

21 Spoonfuls of Sugar

We're the fattest nation in Europe
and that's a fact,
It isn't surprising, as we're not exercising
so our over consumption is having an impact.
Kids are putting on weight to the max,
now the Treasury have announced a sugar tax.

Brands like Dolmio are being forced to speak,
recommending their sugar loaded products for only once a week.
Yet 21 spoonfuls of sugar in a bottle of coke,
is nothing more than a twisted joke.
Our collective health is in really bad shape,
are we going to fight it or just accept our fate?

The solution is simple,
Stop when you're full,
and eat real food, shun processed, don't risk it,
if you fancy a treat try baking a biscuit
otherwise the effects will be quite cataclysmic.

PS What to you call a fat alien? An extra cholesterol.

Biscuit: Almond Thins
Taste test:  9.7 out of 10
Cost: Waitrose in Lymington, over a £1

Reminisce with Schoko-Spritz

Once we used to eat at the Ritz
But now we lunch on Schoko-Spritz
And not because they’re cheaper,
Rather that the flavour’s so much deeper.
They recall for us the tastes of youth,
Melting and intense on the tooth.


For Terry it’s the chocolate teacake
That makes his hard heart ache.
Simon loved Liquorice Allsorts
And still can’t keep them from his thoughts.
Despite the coffin shape of the box
He liked them more than any chocs.


Crunchy, finger wafers were Lee’s choice,
As for Lady Penelope, a sweet, pink Rolls Royce.
Powdered raspberry milkshake,
Garibaldi biscuits, Cadbury’s Flake,
Huge blocks of sugary honeycomb
Were the delights that Martin brought home.


As for Peter, he would not like to lose
Candy shrimps, broken crisps and fruit salad chews.
For Jamie, it’s sherbet in rice paper furled,
Flying saucers that taste out of this world.
Nonetheless, the shortcakes that we ate today
Do compare with the flavours of yesterday.


So if you want a biscuit that sits
Well on the palate, try these Schoko-Spritz.

Biscuit: SchokopSpritz
Taste test:  9.5 out of 10
Cost: Gift. German made. Bought in Belgium.

A Milk Chocolate Cover-up

In Panama they make nice hats
And also never pay their tax.
In Iceland people are protesting
About their prime minister’s investing.
In China it is wise to keep your mouth shut
Or the party will just lock you up.
In Russia Putin is caught in the middle
With a cellist who’s been on the fiddle.
In Britain we just quietly despair
Because Cameron’s father hid his money there.
If it wasn’t for this fondness for the dodgy deal
We need not say ‘Tata’ to British steel.
So now we know. Launder your money before you die,
Because you can’t evade the tax haven in the sky.

Biscuit: Tower Gate Oaties
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: 49p from Lidl in Totton,

Jammie Dodger Debarcle

Up until recently dodgers

have been dairy free.

Vegans have walked a-whey,

their using a petition to have their say.

Burton's claim the changes 

are out of necessity

to make them more sugar free

to fight obesity.

For half a century 

it's been the same recipe,

to alter it now is surely a travesty?

A sumptuous feast of jam and shortbread

that elicits deep joy from toes to the head.

It's a corporate decision to increase profit'

but vegans don't care 

they just want to scoff it.

Their rallying cry, to cause an affray

is 'C'mon Burton's, Get Out The Whey!'

Biscuit: Burton's Jammie Dodgers
Taste test:  9 out of 10 (at the moment!)
Cost: Gift from a fan of the old recipe

Miss You We Will

Sadly we are having to say 'See Ya',
To our very own Princess Leah.
As a rehab officer she is a charmer,
her name (but not for long) is Anita Sharma.
Hiren Skywalker, ever since she met ya,
she was destined to become Mrs Dhanecha.
May the force be with you both,
when you become betroth,
and set up home in Kent,
(a distant galaxy far far away)
together forever as it was meant.
Miss you we will!

Biscuit: Fox's Star Wars Galactic Snacks
Taste test:  6 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Waitrose in Lymington

Algorithm Poems

Algorithms to programme a computer to write a poem.

1.      Two vowels only, four lines i and e

I hide inside my mind

In icy December time

In my life I pine

I live in my secret lie.

2.      Three to five letter words, four lines

When the ship will sail

The storm will rise

And the wind will wail

And yet our love still lies

3.      Rhyme on the first word, three lines

Trains glide in and out of the station

Lanes of passengers reluctantly trudge towards the gates

Pains of Monday morning intensify as the city swallows them.

4.      Olly breaks the rules

I compute and hence

I am but don’t make sense

I only process logic

Which is tragic

My poems are dull and numb

They have lost their magic

Biscuit: Neo
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost:£1.19 from Lidl in Totton

Fantastic Fingers

Fingers are very useful things,
without them where would we put our rings?

Two thumbs and eight fingers each,
allows us all to peel a peach.
without them we'd struggle to eat,
or put the shoes upon our feet.

Two thumb and eight fingers a piece,
allows us all to signal peace.
Without them we'd be digit less,
digital devices rendered useless.

Fingers are not just extras,
they point and poke and make us dexterous.

Biscuit: Arden & Amici Sponge Fingers
Taste test:  9 out of 10
Cost:£1.39 from Waitrose

What makes you happy?

Food makes Brian happy,
without it he gets snappy.
Simon yearns to win the lottery,
he'd escape the UK to be hot and free.
When Karl's with Debbie he starts to stutter,
because she sends his heart a flutter.
Olly loves his dreams,
better than reality it seems.
Paul's content with a full house at bingo,
he shouts 'HOUSE' - he knows the lingo!
For all the girls tea's where it's at,
or out shopping for this and that.
What makes you happy?

Biscuit: BN raspberry biscuits
Taste test:  6 out of 10
Cost:£1.29 from Tesco

Helter Skelter

Biscuit: All Butter Roly Poly Swirls
Taste test:  5 out of 10
Cost:£1.50 from M&S in Lymington

r.i.p Bowie

ashes to ashes 

dust to stardust

r.i.p 

David Bowie

he was all of our heroes

for decades not days

an artist, musician, actor,

a fascination in so many ways

he was a space oddity,

changing perceptions 

with his flamboyance,

gender and artistic performance

he embraced modern love,

fashion was a passion,

certainly no rebel rebel with a cause,

never driven by fame or applause.

a jean genie-us,

let's dance in his honour,

a musical Lazarus,

his songs live on in all of us.

Biscuit: European Cookies - Kirkland Signature
Taste test:  9 out of 10
Cost: A Christmas Gift

Our 2016 Predictions

January
Rain will march across the country
from West to East
Bringing heavy down pours
at the very least

February
Romance will cloud the air
it's a leap year ladies
so propose
if you dare

March
Will put spring in your step
but caution
it may still snow
there's time yet

April
Shower, showers
and more showers
the waterlogged meadows
will bear no flowers

May
The Saints will come
marching in
to FA cup glory
with a Wembley win

June
Murray will create
a triumphant scene
on the tennis courts
of SW19

July
Zut Alors
It's the Euros once more
When we hope England
will do better than before

August
Festivals will be at'tent'ed
by the nation's youth
sales of wellies
will go through the roof

September
An Indian Summer
we forecast
it's time for the Headway Holiday
at last

October
You may vote
to quite the EU
depending on
your point of view

November
Fireworks will
light up this month
giving us all
some much needed umph!

December
Snow will bring
the country to a halt
and the councils
will run out of salt

Biscuit: Green Bean Mini Cookies
Taste test:  2 out of 10
Cost: An interesting choice from Hong Kong