A Nailbiting, Finger Lickin' Tale

When I put the finger in my mouth to bite,
I purposefully give the children a fright.
Their young faces, they turn pale,
When I start to crunch into the nail.
The unsettling snap of teeth on bone,
Makes them jump like the ring of a phone.
As I'm chewing on the digit,
The unnerving sound makes the kiddiewinks fidget.
They say "Daddy we won't sleep tonight,
we're frightened, we witnessed an awful sight."
I tell them all -  "Don't be daft,
They're just chocolate fingers made by Kraft."

PS: As a postscript I should disclose, don't use these fingers to pick your nose.

Biscuit: Cadbury Fingers
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Tesco in Lymington

The light, the dark and the plain

You may find milk chocolate digestives

so crunchy and crumbly and such a treat,

but to me their taste simply gives

a sense of excess. They are just too sweet.

But by contrast, I shall always desire

the more subtle plain chocolate digestive,

its dark and bitter and velvet attire,

its demeanour so suave and suggestive.

Biscuit: McVities Milk Chocolate Digestive

Taste test: 7.5 out of 10

Cost: £1.05 from Asda in Totton

Custard Cream Limerick

There was a young girl from Peru,

Who was asked to a fancy dress do,

She fulfilled her dream,

To be a custard cream,

But her date found her too sickly to woo.

Biscuit: Crawford's Custard Cream

Taste test: 7out of 10

Cost: 75p from Asda in Eastleigh

Bourbon's the winner

On your marks.......

It's break time

Our stomachs are rumbling,

The anticipation of biscuits crumbling,

Be quick to stop us runners from grumbling.

Get set.........

It's snack time

Peel the finishing tape off the tin,

Cellophane unwrapped to get within,

The chocolatey bourbon is the prize to win.

Go...........

It's race time

The starting gun goes crack,

Lips begin to smack,

There is no holding back.

The finishing line's in sight,

So many biscuits to bite,

Yet the bourbon's our shining light,

The biscuit lover's true delight.

Biscuit: Bourbon

Taste test: 7.5 out of 10
Cost: 85p from Asda in Totton

Are Nice biscuits Nice?

Et voila, a poetic piece

about a biscuit called Nice,

some poor folk call it Nice,

they really must take our advice...

Said snack was first made in France

so please give the pronunciation a chance,

its origins to 1904 we can trace

and Nice is set in a sans serif typeface.

The discussion remains open wide,

as to the way the class divide,

determines how you articulate,

the name of the biscuit on the plate.

If you're born with a silver spoon,

it appears you say Nice,

like peace.

Whilst if you dance to a peasant's tune,

your favoured choice is Nice,

like mice.

Which one are you?

Biscuit: Nice

Taste test: 6 out of 10 (delicate coconutty taste)

Cost: 50p from Tesco

Norwegian Ballerina

I once had a girl,
A Norwegian ballerina,
With a sweet and creamy demeanour.
My tastebuds had such fun,
As she danced upon my tongue.

I once had a girl,
A viking enchantress,
She was a scandinavian temptress.
Her pirouettes and twirls,
Were mirrored in her biscuit swirls.

I once had a girl,
My love she sought to foster.
But beneath her nordic disguise,
Alas I came to despise,
The dodgy jammie imposter.

So I drowned my sorrows with lager,
To end this norse biscuit saga.

Biscuit: Ballerina
Taste test: 5.5 out of 10

Cost: 30 Krone from Norway (thanks to Richard for buying them for us on his business trip x)

Oh Lemon Puff

Oh lemon puff, oh lemon puff,

Of you I just can’t get enough,

Your tantalising citrus taste
Will put on inches around my waist!

To me you seem an errant knave,

I just can’t get you to behave,

Your crumbliness beyond compare,

You seem to get just everywhere.

As a biscuit you are quite absurd,

More like a cracker with lemon curd,

I feel this state of symbiosis could,

Cause confusion and neurosis.

  

Oh lemon puff, oh lemon puff,

I wish I were made of sterner stuff,

That way I could resist your charm,

My racing heart return to calm.

Biscuit: Jacob's Lemon Puff
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1.69 from Sainsbury's in Christchurch