Why Am I Waiting?

Why am I still waiting
for the 7:39?
Why am I still waiting?
I’ve been here for a long time.
Is it stormy weather,
or livestock on the line?
Should I wait here ‘til the rain stops
and the sun begins to shine?

I hope it’s not the Union
who have called a strike.
Perhaps they have been offered
a new deal they just don’t like.

Maybe it’s subsidence
or leaves upon the track.
Or maybe it’s the train crew,
the ones they gave the sack.


Maybe there are trespassers
walking on the rails,
or maybe trees have blocked the way
straining against the gales.

If I’m late for work again,
the second time this week,
my boss could give a warning
and my prospects might be bleak.

So why am I still waiting
for the 7:39?
Oh please, come soon,
I must resume,
This damn commute of mine.

#ThumpTrump (metaphorically, of course!)

We've got the hump -
Donald Trump,
the runt,
the grump,
the lumpy chump,
will lead the world
into an almighty slump.
Thankfully his campaign
has encountered a bump
no doubt he'll end up
in the municipal dump
with his roadkill hair
in a ridiculous clump
and rotten food cladding
his plump rump.
He's a joke.
#ThumpTrump*

*metaphorically of course

PS Have you noticed how many negative words rhyme with Trump?

Biscuit: Belvita Breakfast Tops
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £2.79 from Waitrose in Lymington

We're Rootin' and Tootin'

Howdy pardner!

Get awf your hoss

And take a bite of this rootin’, tootin’ chocolate bar.

It’s called a Canyon.

It’s chunky, it’s rugged.

Cacti stand proud in the Wild West landscape of its wrapper.

It promises cowboy adventure and all the glamour of the cowboy life.

But it’s a fiddle.

Cos it comes from Lidl. 

This poem was submitted by a guest writer. If you fancy writing your own biscuit poem then have a go and send it to us through our website: www.headway-southampton.org.uk

Biscuit: Canyon Bar
Taste test: 8.3 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Lidl - thanks Miles!

Teen Eskimo

It's snow joke being a teen eskimo
hungry polar bears snack on you
it's too cold to play Pokemon Go
so you razz around on a rusty skidoo

Whale blubber is fishy and fatty
you smooch with your schnozz
and your sealskin suit's not natty
just sayin' - soz

Winter daylight lasts only a minute
you hang in your igloo with huskies and narwhals
'cos you're an Inuit innit
face it, it ain't lots of LOLS

Biscuit: Eskimo
Taste test: 8.7 out of 10
Cost: 84p from Morrison's in New Milton

Calculation Frustration

The name of these biscuits
is Orange Choco Leibniz.

This German mathematician
is the man that we need
to solve our economic position
with a theory that just might succeed.

He used minus and the plus
to create his calculus.

Now we need his formula for success
and his talent for addition
to get us out of this mess
and save us from division.

If we could put aside our differential
we just might realise our potential.

Biscuit: Orange Choco Leibniz
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: 74p (special offer) from Waitrose in Lymington

Everything and the Kitchen Sink

Is this the first ever

poem to celebrate the kitchen sink?

(Don't worry, it will be over

in a blink.)

If you're posh it's ceramic,

if not, it's stainless steel,

you'd struggle without it

when there are potatoes to peel.

Women used to be chained to them,

now they're the domain of men,

armed with aprons and Marigolds,

a huge performance unfolds!

Perfect for bathing the baby,

the bunny or the dog maybe,

Ideal to wash your pants

or if it's big the elephant's.

If it gets blocked you need to plunge,

to clear away the greasy gunge.

use it to stack the odd dirty dish,

but never as a home for a lonely fish.

It comes in very handy,

for an emergency wee,

don't forget to pull the curtains,

or the neighbours will see!

Biscuit: All butter kitchen sink dunkers
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £3 from M&S in Lymington

Elefunk

Plod, Plod, Flap, Swish
the proud elephant roams the jungle
scoffing bananas - his favourite dish
to placate the sound of his hunger rumble

Plod, Plod, Swish, Flap
the almighty beast cools his skin
showering dust upon his back
scouring the landscape for his kin

Plod, Swish, Plod, Flap
the lonely bull sleeps alone
longing for reunion during his nap
at daybreak, a triumph - his herd is home

Biscuit: Hawaiian Coconut Cookies
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Sri Lanka