Mullochs

On Mull every day is rainy,
a local dons his mackintosh,
the River Tobermory
becomes awash.

The islanders on Mull,
are far from dull,
they're quirky with a lot of soul.
Some spend many a day aloft,
as they sip wee drams on their croft.

Mullochs exist at an easy pace,
recycling everything to avoid waste,
set apart from the modern rat race,
of stress there is no trace.

It rains a lot on Mull,
the sun often stops shining,
but every cloud has a biscuit lining,
hydroelectricity supplies the energy,
to produce lemon melts
of the highest quality.

Biscuits: Island Bakery Lemon Melts

Taste test: 10 out of 10
Cost: £2.99 from Waitrose (worth every penny according to Lee!)

Catalexit

Should they go or should they stay?
The world is falling to pieces
Like these biscuits that are broken
And the promises that politicians have spoken

Tribal drums are beating
Leaving populations seething.
The rush for globalisation
Has produced more fragmentation.

In Majorca and Venice
They protest against tourism’s menace.
Tear gas and rubber bullets in the blazing sun
Are not the way to prevent a referendum.

The voice of the Kurds is still not heard
Although their cause is not absurd.
Myanmar is in a state
As Rohingya Moslems flee their fate.

Nationalism may be a blessing or a curse
But violence only makes things worse.

The last of last week’s broken biscuits
Helped us make this verse.

Biscuits: The last of the Box of Broken Biscuits

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: A gift

DSOH (Dry Sense of Humour)

Our inspiration's run dry
(not for the first time)
we're in the Sahara of ideas,
as arid as the Atacama,
as desolate as Death Valley,
as dusty as a dust bowl
home to the desert dry wit
of Sandi Toksvig,
the deadpan comic spirit
of Jack Dee,
but not to the far from dry,
sweat soaked Lee Evans.
This poem's so dry,
we don't need to hang it on the line,
spin it in the dryer,
lay it on the radiator,
or drape it on the aga -
suddenly our inspiration's on fire...

Biscuit: Chocolate Chip Cookies (very dry!)
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Denmark

21 Spoonfuls of Sugar

We're the fattest nation in Europe
and that's a fact,
It isn't surprising, as we're not exercising
so our over consumption is having an impact.
Kids are putting on weight to the max,
now the Treasury have announced a sugar tax.

Brands like Dolmio are being forced to speak,
recommending their sugar loaded products for only once a week.
Yet 21 spoonfuls of sugar in a bottle of coke,
is nothing more than a twisted joke.
Our collective health is in really bad shape,
are we going to fight it or just accept our fate?

The solution is simple,
Stop when you're full,
and eat real food, shun processed, don't risk it,
if you fancy a treat try baking a biscuit
otherwise the effects will be quite cataclysmic.

PS What to you call a fat alien? An extra cholesterol.

Biscuit: Almond Thins
Taste test:  9.7 out of 10
Cost: Waitrose in Lymington, over a £1

Kvikk Lunsj

Did we eat these biscuits fast
Oslo?
Was it a Kit Kat
or a copycat?

Perhaps a Kvikk Lunsj (Quick Lunch)
or rather a substantial brunch,
because the thick chocolate
packs a real punch,

Will it make Edvard Munch
Scream in delight,
or might the garish wrapper
give him a fright?

Biscuit:  Kvikk Lunsj (Quick Lunch)
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: 540 Norwegian Krone from Oslo Airport

Go set a clock

Should unpublished books
be left to rest unread?
Better not to disturb the dead?
Leave sequels to our imaginations,
don't disappoint our great expectations.

Shield us from the mental struggle
of accepting Potter's transformation to muggle.
Harry Potter at the Chamber of Commerce
would spell a literary turn for the worse.

Who'd want to read about
Lady Chatterley's mother
or George Orwell's little brother
James Herbert's gerbils wouldn't scare
and nobody cares for Euston Bear!

Biscuit:  Tim Tams
Taste test: 7.7 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Denis

A Poem that may drag on

Perhaps dragons derive from dinosaurs

rather than from mother-in-laws.

Although both are grim and fire-breathing,

there’s only one you can believe in.

Dragons are the villains of ancient fairy tales

and also the emblem of the flag of Wales.

Dragons spend their leisure

dwelling in a cave

filled with treasure,

saving energy for a weekend monster rave,

finding their pleasure

devising ways to misbehave.

Once, high overhead they flew

until along came St George and slew

the most fearsome but the last.

And now, alas, they live only in the past.

Biscuit:  Dibus Dragon Biscuits
Taste test: 8 out of 10

Cost: 99p from the 99p store

What's in a nick name?

Timbo, Nutty, Gibbo and Spud
childhood nicknames - not one a dud,
Monikers fashioned from family names
often cruel and designed to shame.

Rhino, Caterpillar, Irongut and Bee
terms of endearment we're sure you'll agree,
Whereas Bogie Nose, Coconut and Wally
coined to poke fun, particularly at Olly.

Names that transport us back to the playground
where thoughts were simple and silly not deep and profound,
Crisp, Jester, Octopus and Mess
some still raise a smile, we have to confess.

Biscuit: Tunnock's Caramel Log

Taste test: 9.999 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Waitrose in Lymington

A Biscuit Poetry Performance

Come and see us perform this Saturday 14th June upstairs at the Art House in Southampton at the RejectorSlip Poetry Festival.

Terry, Gary, Lee, Olly, Karl, Shan,Vicky and Jo will be taking the stage at 4:30pm for a half an hour slot of magical poems inspired by......you guessed it......biscuits!

We hope to see you there.

Address: The Art House, 178 Above Bar Street, Southampton, SO14 7DW

Hound of the Biscuitvilles

Opening the cardboard kennel
to reveal the shortbread canines within
there's plenty inside
so let's tuck in.

Westhighland Terrier shaped shortbread
with short legs,
you'll be begging for this biscuit
until Barbara Woodhouse tells you 'sit!'

How much were those doggies in the window
the ones with the edible tails?
a pound for the box of hounds
thank DOG for the January Sales.

Oh Spot the dog
he's man's best friend
we've woofed down his pals
and reached the end.

Biscuit: Sainsbury's Spotty Scottie Dogs Shortbread

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Sainsbury's in Christchurch

Solar Systems: You cannot be Sirius

Mercury spins closest to the sun,

light side burnt, dark side frozen.

Venus, goddess of love, lies

clouded in a mist of poison gas.

Earth’s green breathes oxygen and carbon,

each continent bathed by a blue ocean.

Mars, the red planet, lies dead,

arid desert, dry, cold and deserted.

Dust, debris, discarded sputniks,

asteroids, all together trace their orbits.

Jupiter, with a climate that is hardly hot,

nevertheless nurses a giant red spot.

Saturn, light enough to float, wears a ring

of gas and ice and spatial bling.

Uranus is another giant sphere

of chilling, lethal gas, or so we hear.

Neptune rides a misty darkened sea

with mermaids and sea nymphs for company.

Pluto, demoted now to a lump of ice,

guards still the gates that lead us to deep space.

Holst composed his Planets Suite,

so we can have our planet biscuit.

This galaxy is a cake bar

With a dark, molten, creamy core.

A mercurial message from the gods,

made to satisfy the goddess of love,

the colour of earth,

a reminder of Mars and a Milky Way,

eat too many and that belt will loosen,

by Jupiter a jovial stick of joy,

a saturnalian feast,

you’re in us, or in our stomachs now.

in tune with our desires, why not try a ton,

so far out, like Pluto.

If scientists are right in their theory,

the big bang created this Galaxy.

But so much word retrieval takes its toll.

Our poem has vanished in its own black hole.

Biscuit: McVitie’s Galaxy Cake Bars

Taste test: 8.1 out of 10
Cost: £1.30 from Asda in Totton

Favorini Wafer Rolls

Oh my favourite Favorini,

Never eaten by Mussolini,

Shaped like a cigar,

But containing no tar,

Helter skelter in white.

Slim and twisty,

Twirly, with a misty

Hazy hint of hazelnut,

Perfect for my gut.

Spiralled like a barber’s pole,

Can’t stop eating these, we’ve lost control.

Rather sweet and sugary,

The crème is a touch too powdery.

Never mind the rhyme

We’ve very little time.

Pass me another of these

Says Brian, please.

They’re simply so sublime.

Biscuit: Favorini Wafer Rolls with Hazelnut Crème

Taste test: 9.2 out of 10
Cost: Under £2 from Lidl in Totton