Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Scotch Mist: Take it or leave it.

O dear, bonnie Scotland,
Lowland, Highland, your own sweet land.

In or out?  Yes or no?
Do you really wish to go?

We believe that it’s your right
To decide this question,
But we hope that the result
Does not cause you indigestion.

If you wish to make the break
Then do so for your own sake.

We will miss your clear spring water,
Your sweet, sugary shortcake.
Arbroath Smokies and your wild, fresh salmon,
Your mountains and your lochs, each make

Of whisky, such as Famous Grouse,
Oh and all that keen financial nous.

We will miss your salted porridge,
Perhaps not the haggis or the neap,
Nor do we want a passport check
At the gate of Edinburgh’s keep.

Remember what you sow you reap.
It’s best to look before you leap.

We will miss those lilting names,

McDonald and McGinnes, MacLeod,
Johnstone and McFadyen,
Even Brown and Blair, clans that, mostly, make you proud.

Without the blue on the union flag
It will look just like a wretched rag.

No longer will we ignore our northern border,
Or climb the steep and jagged ben,
Or lie beside a clear and crystal burn
That rushes through a grassy glen.

Remember too there’s no way back
If you head down that lonely track.

We will miss your football teams,
Stirling that rhymes with curling.
Where the hell are Motherwell,
East Fife and Brechin, Forfar and Elgin?

Perhaps you’d prefer more devolution
To such a dread and drastic solution.

Never more will we watch the eagle soar,
Fly-fish along the Tweed or Tay,
Beat out the grouse across the moor,
Where the heather mourns in dark decay.

We will miss your monster from Loch Ness,
But perhaps, rather less, your bank at RBS.

Now that we come to think about it
Perhaps it’s really for the best
If we go our separate way.
You take your high road and put it to the test.

Follow the shoal.  Ride the tide.  Drift away.
Go, with the salmon and the sturgeon, way out west.

Biscuit: Duchy Originals Highland All Butter Shortbread
Taste test: 9.4 out of 10
Cost: £1.49 from Waitrose in Lymington

Monday, 15 September 2014

Desperate Danish Waffle

Danish is for pastries and bacon
Everyone loves wonderful Copenhagen
No one can surpass Schmeichel's saves
Mystical mermaids languish in nordic waves
A country built upon lego foundations
Ransacking vikings invading all nations
Killing the king led to Hamlet's orations

Biscuit: Franske Vafler
Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Tom's day trip to Denmark 

Monday, 8 September 2014

Crumbs of Comfort

Summer's lease is over
The holidaymakers have returned to Dover
Children trudge back to school
MPs resume playing the fool

Like these biscuits
Summer crumbles to dust
and our bank accounts
are empty and bust

As stumps are drawn
And old cricketers retired
Football fans flock to the terraces
Whilst managers are hired and fired
And the transfer window closes
As petals fall from the roses

We look both back and forward in September
A time to prepare and remember
Yet life is what happens
When you're busy making a plan
So lose the calendar and pens
And enjoy this Indian Summer while you still can

Biscuit: Prinzen Rolle Mehrkorn
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Jo's holiday on Sylt - a German Island

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Cameron Highland Cookies

Commonwealth Cami’s Cameron Cookies
Originate from
Malaysia where
Magnificent monkeys and magnesium,
Orange orang-utans too
Now ski and swim the cool blue
Water which covers three quarters of the
Earth’s surface, but not
Australia, the country that now
Leads and tops
The Games table, not quite in the

Highlands of Scotland.

Biscuit: Mum's Bake Cookies
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Cami's honeymoon in Malaysia

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Pairing Up

The matrimonial merge of pink 'n white
in a biscuit with marshmallow
is a brilliant bite
like fish 'n chips
tasty to swallow

Coupled with bread 'n butter
me 'n you lot and lots for us to chew
ascending the apples 'n pears
hearts a flutter
serenading each other with rhythm 'n blues

This poem is dedicated to Cami who just got officially paired up.

Biscuit: Pink 'N' Whites by Caxton
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 99p from Lidl

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

There was a young man from Costa Rica.....

There was a young man from Costa Rica,
who lost his heart to a streaker,
he took his eye off the ball,
which was a very bad call,
as he was their national keeper.

Biscuit: Delizie
Taste test: 7.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Vicky and Anita from Lidl

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Have some free advice Roy

So on Thursday it's Uruguay,
the nation lets out a collective sigh,
Come on England we need to win,
or St George's flag will end up in the bin.

Lambert, Lallana and Shaw are our new saints,
put them in the team Roy and there'll be no complaints.
Return Rooney to centre forward - the right place,
then you'll have a team that won't disgrace.

Let the fans eat biscuit hat tricks,
to inspire Sturridge to score goals quick.
Coleen, Wag Queen, will arrive today,
her presence will raise Wayne's state of play.

Just six more games 'til we raise the cup,
winning smiles, champagne to sup,
C'mon three lions keep the vision alive,
defeat Uruguay, let hope survive.

Biscuit: Fox's Party Footballs
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: Found them on the bus.