Thursday, 22 February 2018

The New Place To Go



The Cultural Quarter in Southampton
Is the new place to go,
there's the Nuffield and the Hansard,
no longer just Nando's

It opened last Friday
with dancing and a fireworks display,
Southamptonians are delighted
they've waited many years for this day.

There'll be poetry, plays
and art installations
and ideas a plenty
 to inspire cultural conversation.

The Shadow Factory play
is about the Second World War
the cast is packed with celebrities
and starts galore.

There's a programme
including the 451 poetry night,
at last after years of anticipation
we can finally join in this celebration.

Biscuits: TOGO
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: 3.50 Euros from Italy

Tuesday, 20 February 2018

Sledging their bets and taking the piste




Danger and excitement enflames
The Korean winter Olympic games.

We love the thrill.
We adore the chill.

Although we enjoyed the ice hockey
That they played in Sochi,

Now the climate in Korea
Is causing apprehension and fear.

Cross winds and gales
Knock snowboarders off the rails.

We’re expecting some falls
In the sloping moguls

As the athletes twist and turn
To avoid a friction burn.

The Brits need a gong
But it may take us too long.

The Canadian flag is unfurling
To mark their couple’s win at curling.

There are other events that we could list,
Including breaking your wrist,

And British dismay
In the four man bobsleigh,

Free-style crash landing, falling on ice,
That may not look pretty, although the music is nice,

And sledging in Lycra that seems quite silly.
A fake fur coat would be far less chilly.

Koreans must feel a new sensation
With their sporting unification.

After years of hostile confrontation
They’ve come together as an Olympic nation.

But we expect it still
All to go downhill

Rather than make progress forward
Because in that North Korean cupboard

You will find not just the bobsleigh and the luge
But an array of skeletons that is so huge.

Biscuits: Director's selection of Highland Shortbread
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £11.10 from Amazon

Tuesday, 6 February 2018

We Salute the Suffragettes




It's the suffragette centenary
marking women's first step for liberty,
setting themselves free
from kitchen and household drudgery.
They wanted the vote, an occupation,
recognition and emancipation

Purple, green and white
were the colours of the suffragette fight,
they were hellbent
on destabilising the establishment,
chaining themselves to railings
on account of male failings.
They stopped eating and suffered many beatings,
some even resorted to starvation
to get themselves heard by the nation.

And so it continues today,
with the demand for equal pay,
we salute the women of yesteryear,
who took on the campaign without fear.

Biscuits: Nutter Butter
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: Gift from the USA

Tuesday, 30 January 2018

The Greatest Show-off on Earth




Barnum took the animals from the zoo
And taught them to perform in public view.
Tigers, seals, hippos, koalas and elephants too,
The pride of lions that made him proud,
All these creatures entertained the crowd.
For taming the big cats he had a real good tip
To wave his chair and crack his whip.

If children grew bored and began to frown,
He’d introduce Zippo the clown.

There's a sucker born every minute, so he said,
But Barnum himself wouldn’t let fame turn his head.
He ran his business with a purpose,
While ringmaster Trump has turned his whole show into a circus.
He may say the Mexicans and Africans are slackers,
But all his ideas are, just like these biscuits, crackers.

Biscuits: Barnum's Animals
Taste test:3 out of 10
Cost: $3.50 from Danny's Deli in New York City

Thursday, 25 January 2018

Random Headway Blues






Woke up this morning with the mid-winter blues,
Turned on the radio, cheesed off with the news.

Youngsters with guns and knives
Stealing innocent lives.

Putin takes a dip in the ice,
He’s built up his army and that ain’t nice.

One war in Syria, that ain’t enough,
Now the Turks have cut up rough.

MPs asleep in the House,
Desmond Swayne impossible to rouse.

These Tories are clueless
On the state of the NHS.

So don’t even think of getting ill
While the ambulances stand still.

Police dogs with no leads to follow,
These government cuts are hard to swallow.

Woke up this morning with the January blues,
Rain on the path, holes in my shoes.

Skies are bleak and grey,
Ain’t going out today.

The weather’s a real delight,
Might even move to the Isle of Wight.

And if this song don’t make you blue
Just wait till you get Australian flu.

Woke up this morning with an ache in my head,
Turned off the radio, Went back to my bed.

Biscuits: Biscuit Barrel Assortment
Taste test:7 out of 10
Cost: 99p from Lidl in Totton

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

Guess the number


I come between two and four,
let's describe me a little bit more.
I'm half of six,
odd yet in my prime,
I'm also the square root of number nine.

The magic number; a hat trick,
this poem's not long
so have a guess, quick!

How many muskateers,
wishes, degrees,
coins in a fountain,
Beejees?

How many kings or wise men,
tenors, blind mice,
Charlie's Angels,
points for a win,
sides on a triangle?

I'm the holy trinity,
Tom, Dick and Harry,
french hens at Christmas,
strikes and your out!

If you haven't guessed me by now,
you must be thrice over the limit,
let's see,
mine's a triple
or maybe just a cup of tea.

Biscuits: All butter biscuit trio
Taste test: 8.2 out of 10
Cost: £1.86 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 9 January 2018

Waitrose Boss Takes The Biscuit