Tuesday, 17 July 2018

Talkin' Proper

Speak proper
Like what we do

Purse your lips
Like they're stuck with glue

Pop a plum in  your mouth
To speak like the Queen

But don't spit it out
Because that's obscene

You can speak as a toff
Like Jacob Rees Mogg

Or speak like Paul Gibbons
A blatant Hampshire Hog

Hooray Henrys say 'OK Yah'
Whilst Wurzels from Somerset go OOOOOO-ARRRRRRR

So whether you're a Lord Snooty or a local yokel
Shout loud, stay proud and be vocal.

Biscuits: Marbu Dorado
Tasting Notes: Remind us of Mallorca (The water in Mallorca don't taste like what it oughta)
Score:  9 out of 10

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Caved In





A dozen boys and their football coach,
a mystical labyrinth they encroached,
the waters rose at an incredible rate,
trapping them in a terrible fate,
local legend has it that the cavernous hollow,
steals intruders to drown and swallow,
the group retreated into caves five miles deep,
their anxious families could do nothing but weep,
a plea for expertise went across the world,
causing an international rescue to unfurl,
the cynics said there would be no survivors,
but they didn't account for the brave British divers,
water and oxygen were pumped steadily in,
as the boys were trained for their perilous swim,
the subterranean gods claimed one courageous victim,
a Thai navy seal - the whole world mourns him,
eight brave boys are now safe on the surface,
whisked to hospital avoiding the media circus,
we hope and pray the final five,
will too reach the surface and survive.

Biscuits: Jacobs Cornish Wafers
Tasting Notes: Delicious with butter and Wensleydale cheese
Score:  9.5 out of 10

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

Heat wave



Mercury rising
Tarmac melting
Beachgoers sweltering
Paul's dog panting
Festival folk camping
Wild fires burning
Sausages need turning
Reservoirs emptying
Rail tracks buckling
Ice creams dripping
Swimmers dipping
Cool drinks chilling
Paddling pools filling
Tempers fraying
Hosepipes spraying
Headway sailing
Caravans trailing
Will it continue morn after morn?
Or end in a gigantic electrical storm!?

Biscuits: Petits Fours a l'Orange
Tasting Notes: Ooo la la
Score:  7 out of 10

Tuesday, 26 June 2018

World Cup: Who's holding the lead?




All chihuahuas are supporting Mexico
they sit on the sidelines yapping "Go go go!",
German schnauzers have had a bit of a fright
but Gott Sei Dank they were alright on the night,
The Iranian Salukis are crying into their Chum
The VAR gave them a pen but they still came undone,
The Argentine skills are a bone of contention
It's a Messi situation that we just had to mention,
We're really hoping Brazil don't Winalot
to book themselves a Final slot
Those Ruski huskies are wagging their tails
they're men of iron - hard as nails
Our English bulldogs showed their pedigree to the fans
let's just hope it's not a flash in the pan!

Biscuits: Walkers Shortbread Scottie Dogs
Tasting Notes: Woof Woof!
Score:  K9 out of 10


Tuesday, 19 June 2018

There once was a.......



There once was a young cat called Ginger,
who fancied himself as a Ninja,
he terrorised the mice,
who made him pay the price,
so he turned into a bit of a whinger.

Biscuits: Sticky Ginger and Lemon Drizzle Cookies
Tasting Notes: Interesting combination of flavours
Score: 8 out of 10

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Trump Card?


Whilst we were sleeping
two leaders were meeting,
they'd never met before
yet they both rocked up to Singapore,
in the hope of stopping a nuclear war
the Dottard and the Little Rocketman
spent two hours hatching a cunning plan,
from enemies to besties
in one short move,
let's hope the lives
of ordinary Koreans now improve,
perhaps they're making history
or they could be prolonging the misery,
with bated breath  the world's waiting to see
the contents of their new treaty,
is it heralding the dawn of a peaceful age
or are two psychopaths preparing to rage?

Biscuits: Flipz - dark chocolate covered pretzels
Tasting Notes: Salty and chocolatey - yum
Score: 8.8 out of 10

Tuesday, 29 May 2018

Get Our Drift?



Flotsam and Jetsam
drift in titanic proportions,
toxic plastic
polluting our oceans.

Marine life is
slowly being strangled
by a plastic noose,
earth is drifting towards
an ecological disaster.

Corporations and politician
procrastinate
with empty promises,
like hot air balloons
drifting on thermal currents.

It's up to all of us
to wrestle back control
to steady our course from chaos
to change our disposable culture.

Get Our Drift?!

Biscuits: Drifter
Tasting Notes: Chewy and gooey
Score: 7.5 out of 10