Friday, 27 March 2015

Electoral Spin




Shhhhhhhhh
there's a rumour going round
that Cameron's stepping down
not immediately you see
but after a second term
when we may get May
if she wins the fight
or Osbourne might
or enter Boris
 on his bike

Are we to believe him
or is it just electoral spin
after all the Lady who was not for turning
did a U-turn
will David also break his promise
and slither toadily
 a third time
back into office

Perhaps it's a case of
trouble & strife
from SamCam his wife
twisting the knife
into his political life
so they no longer have to rush
- more time to play Candy Crush


Biscuit: Cadbury Wisp
Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: 98p in Asda in Southampton (thanks Olly)

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

What's in a nick name?


Timbo, Nutty, Gibbo and Spud
childhood nicknames - not one a dud,
Monikers fashioned from family names
often cruel and designed to shame.

Rhino, Caterpillar, Irongut and Bee
terms of endearment we're sure you'll agree,
Whereas Bogie Nose, Coconut and Wally
coined to poke fun, particularly at Olly.

Names that transport us back to the playground
where thoughts were simple and silly not deep and profound,
Crisp, Jester, Octopus and Mess
some still raise a smile, we have to confess.

Biscuit: Tunnock's Caramel Log
Taste test: 9.999 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

What do you think about pink?



Is pink a feminine colour?
It depends on your point of view.
Are men afraid of pink?
Do girls stay away from blue?

Boys should be proud to wear pink
it's no longer the stereotype that you think.
Gone are the days of rose tinted prescription
specs from the NHS,
worn by a girl in gingham
playing hopscotch in her dress.

Pink's a colour of change and optimism
a symbol for hope not a badge of sexism,
you can wear it with pride
as you march through the street,
and in the Race for Life
when you pound your feet.

Whether you're in the pink,
tickled pink, or pretty in pink
it doesn't matter what others think
you'll be coming up roses
be powerful in pink
and strike dynamic poses.

Biscuit: Tesco Finest All Butter Rose Biscuits For Tea
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1.99 at Tesco in New Milton




Thursday, 5 March 2015

School Days School Dinners


School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners.
Do you remember back in the day
when the lunch bell used to ring
oh the moans it signalled in
did spotted dick make you sick
or frog spawn tapioca choke ya?

Oliver was always asked if he wanted more
but declined cos it made his tummy sore
The pink custard so thick and gloopy
the smell of it would drive you loopy
semolina like wallpaper paste
would clear the dinner hall post-haste.

The watery cabbage, overcooked meat 
and lumpy gravy
wasn't very appealing to you or me
spam fritters
a.k.a. specially processed American meat
would cause even the hardiest eaters
to beat a retreat.

School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners
so many sinners
and they all had to wait
in rotation
to get the slop on their plate!

Biscuit: Mcvities Strawberry Cheesecake (smell like school puddings!)
Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: 2 for £2 at Sainsbury's in Christchurch



Monday, 23 February 2015

Setting Sail





The Mary Rose
Henry VIII who had a few wives,
stood on shore to watch this naval lady sink.
Taking with her almost two hundred lives,
his magnificent flagship drowned in the drink.

The Golden Hind
Francis Drake calmly completed his game,
Before dealing with Philip of Spain.
The Iberian fleet assumed they were harder,
but he proved them wrong and sank their Armada.

The Mayflower
She set sail from Southampton,
with her crew of Puritan pilgrims.
To find a new land by what is now Boston,
where they could sing their bleak hymns.

The Endeavour
Captain Cook believed he was clever,
when he sailed from Whitby in the Endeavour.
He thought he'd discover Australia,
but the Dutch were there first and his voyage a failure.

The Bounty
Captain Bligh cruelly tormented his crew,
so much so that a mutiny started to brew.
Mate and men cast him away in an open boat,
and left him at sea to sink or to float.

The Victory
At Cape Trafalgar, with one good eye
and just one arm, Nelson scored a singular victory.
As he lay on the deck preparing to die,
he spoke his famous last words: 'Hardy, kiss me.'

From these biscuits with their chocolate cloak
to such famous ships of the past
might seem an impossible distant joke,
but each one carries an imprint of sails and mast.

Biscuit: Sondey Milk Chocolate Butter Biscuits
Taste test: 9.7 out of 10
Cost: 43p from Lidl in Totton (2 packets were rapidly scoffed)

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Chips Ahoy

Avast, me hearties
we've come over all piratical,
Why didn't the pirate have aspirins?
Because his parrot ate 'em all.

Long John Silver, Blackbeard,
Black Dog and Blind Pugh,
all tyrannical pirates
instilling fear in their crew.

They man the main mast
to see plunder from afar.
Why are pirates frightening?
Because they ARRRRRRRR!

Shiver me timbers,
pieces of eight,
time to walk the plank
me ole shipmate.

Why does it take pirates
so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend too long at 'C'
no doubt succumbing to the horror
of life with scurvy.

Biscuit: Chips Ahoy Candy Blasts
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.49 from Waitrose in Lymington





Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Goodbye Pandering



We're becoming a nation of panderers
constantly pandering to people's whims
pandering politicians trying desperately to win votes
spewing forth smarmy soundbites and quotes

The avoidance of risk has become a national obsession
in every sector we pander to the health and safety inspector
it's a characteristic we all need to address
from the police to the schools to the NHS

Let's stop cosying up to foreign energy suppliers
flocking to the funeral of a Saudi king
dazzled by oil,super yachts and bling
stop such pandering
stand up for what is right
whilst remembering not everything is black and white (even pandas)

Biscuit: Hello Panda
Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: they should have paid us!