Thursday, 23 April 2015

Our Manifesto







Vote for the only party
that promotes biscuit poetry.

We will increase your slice of the centre
We will give you more than crumbs on your plate.

There'll be no more hobnobbing now
in the corridors of power.

We will add to your benefits
wafers, chocolate fingers and other biscuits.

You'd be crackers to vote for anyone else:
Mr Farage is no more than a mirage
Mr Miliband is impossibly bland
Mr Clegg is cracked and broken like an egg
Mr Cameron and wife Sam just don't give a damn.

We are the icing on the top
the sweet cream of the crop.

Here's a digestive or two
of what we want to do.

Decent housing for the homeless
A living wage and nothing less.

An economy with low carbon emission
Honest and fair taxation.

Living benefits if you cannot work
Affordable public transport.

We think that it's sensible too
to stay within the EU.

The right proportion of our wealth
should be spent on the national health.

but we need money to be there
to provide for social care.

We know as well the hard fact
that the only way to pay is with more tax.

And if then we still need more cash
then Trident we will have to slash.

And extra VAT on biscuits and confectionery
might stop us eating quite so many.


An Election Poem by Jamie

Do I vote to pacify my own needs
or do I become an MP and do the dirty deed,
to take away what some people had
gone forever, that's rather sad.
What happened to 'we are all the same,
we are in this together'?
The cloud has burst
and to dirty weather.

I'd like to see the elderly in peace
to be cared for; looking after their needs.
To have our schools closer to home
so that no child has to roam.
Our workers paid enough money to survive
not needing food banks to stay alive.

My Manifesto by Shan

Keep those millions of quid from being flushed
down the waste loo.
Those developing countries' greedy governments have their own cash
don't give them even more to spend on themselves,
rather than their people.
You could cut the hot air that emits from politicans' mouths
and melt all the ear wax that makes them deaf to most people.
Scrap the FA, ECB, RFU etc etc and replace them
with boards that can actively work for their money.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Rice Cake Thins, Really?




Imagine our delight when we discovered there was already a poem written on the packaging of these rice cake thins - our work was already done, we could relax... 
Disappointingly their poem is rubbish. Scroll down to see our one liner response, devoid of marketing puffery.

Kallo's poem

There once was a caramel cannon,
It was oh such a magical sight.
It sent chocolate and caramel pieces,
Into wonderful sweet sticky flight.

The circus performers all loved it,
Especially the caramel clown.
He loved eating chocolate and caramel,
And whatever goes up must come down.

The Biscuit Poets' response

We are not admiring
 the texture of chocolate and polystyrene.

Biscuit: Kallo Belgian Milk Chocolate with Caramel Pieces Rice Cake Thins
Taste test: 1 out of 10 (Not, as they describe, 'Wizardy-Wee to have with your tea')
Cost: £1.69 from Ocado

Thursday, 2 April 2015

In the Groove


People stayin' alive
in their kipper ties
workin' nine to five
psychedelic disco lights flashing
glam guitars thrashing

GROOVY BABY

Bell bottoms you would wear
if you had funk and flair
diggin' the far out vibe
yet still doin' the nine to five

GROOVY BABY

Flares swaying, dudes hangin'
smooth movin', platform walkin'
Huggy Bear talkin' jive
still feelin' the nine to five

GROOVY BABY

Biscuit: Groovy Biscuits
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 89p in Aldi in Romsey

Friday, 27 March 2015

Electoral Spin




Shhhhhhhhh
there's a rumour going round
that Cameron's stepping down
not immediately you see
but after a second term
when we may get May
if she wins the fight
or Osbourne might
or enter Boris
 on his bike

Are we to believe him
or is it just electoral spin
after all the Lady who was not for turning
did a U-turn
will David also break his promise
and slither toadily
 a third time
back into office

Perhaps it's a case of
trouble & strife
from SamCam his wife
twisting the knife
into his political life
so they no longer have to rush
- more time to play Candy Crush


Biscuit: Cadbury Wisp
Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: 98p in Asda in Southampton (thanks Olly)

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

What's in a nick name?


Timbo, Nutty, Gibbo and Spud
childhood nicknames - not one a dud,
Monikers fashioned from family names
often cruel and designed to shame.

Rhino, Caterpillar, Irongut and Bee
terms of endearment we're sure you'll agree,
Whereas Bogie Nose, Coconut and Wally
coined to poke fun, particularly at Olly.

Names that transport us back to the playground
where thoughts were simple and silly not deep and profound,
Crisp, Jester, Octopus and Mess
some still raise a smile, we have to confess.

Biscuit: Tunnock's Caramel Log
Taste test: 9.999 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

What do you think about pink?



Is pink a feminine colour?
It depends on your point of view.
Are men afraid of pink?
Do girls stay away from blue?

Boys should be proud to wear pink
it's no longer the stereotype that you think.
Gone are the days of rose tinted prescription
specs from the NHS,
worn by a girl in gingham
playing hopscotch in her dress.

Pink's a colour of change and optimism
a symbol for hope not a badge of sexism,
you can wear it with pride
as you march through the street,
and in the Race for Life
when you pound your feet.

Whether you're in the pink,
tickled pink, or pretty in pink
it doesn't matter what others think
you'll be coming up roses
be powerful in pink
and strike dynamic poses.

Biscuit: Tesco Finest All Butter Rose Biscuits For Tea
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1.99 at Tesco in New Milton




Thursday, 5 March 2015

School Days School Dinners


School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners.
Do you remember back in the day
when the lunch bell used to ring
oh the moans it signalled in
did spotted dick make you sick
or frog spawn tapioca choke ya?

Oliver was always asked if he wanted more
but declined cos it made his tummy sore
The pink custard so thick and gloopy
the smell of it would drive you loopy
semolina like wallpaper paste
would clear the dinner hall post-haste.

The watery cabbage, overcooked meat 
and lumpy gravy
wasn't very appealing to you or me
spam fritters
a.k.a. specially processed American meat
would cause even the hardiest eaters
to beat a retreat.

School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners
so many sinners
and they all had to wait
in rotation
to get the slop on their plate!

Biscuit: Mcvities Strawberry Cheesecake (smell like school puddings!)
Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: 2 for £2 at Sainsbury's in Christchurch