Friday, 2 December 2016

DSOH (Dry Sense of Humour)

Our inspiration's run dry
(not for the first time)
we're in the Sahara of ideas,
as arid as the Atacama,
as desolate as Death Valley,
as dusty as a dust bowl
home to the desert dry wit
of Sandi Toksvig,
the deadpan comic spirit
of Jack Dee,
but not to the far from dry,
sweat soaked Lee Evans.
This poem's so dry,
we don't need to hang it on the line,
spin it in the dryer,
lay it on the radiator,
or drape it on the aga -
suddenly our inspiration's on fire...

Biscuit: Chocolate Chip Cookies (very dry!)
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Denmark

Thursday, 24 November 2016

The biscuit that broke our hearts and our teeth

This morning we had a biscuit snack
That came out of a Swedish flat pack
And like most of the products of Ikea
How to open the wrap wasn’t clear.

Once inside all that we found
Was a Scandinavian scam
Kakor Hallon is nothing more than
A biscuit sandwich filled with jam.

This pastry usurper
This bakery imposter
This dicky dodger
This Scandi Scam
Is no more than a crumbling sham.

But the extent of the biscuit’s shortfall
Is matched by the quality of the famous meatball
P.S. We liked them really
The cream especially.

Biscuit: Kakor Hallon
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 80p from Ikea in Southampton 

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Funny, they shrunk the chocolate bars!

We suspect a chocolate conspiracy
first Toblerone and it's missing pyramids,
then the incredible shrinking wagon wheel,
there's some shifty business
companies are trying to conceal.

If this minimisation continues
chocolate bars will be extinct,
long before the polar ice caps melt
and our islands sink.

Who wants a world without penguins?
Nothing to P P P pick up,
full of diminished Rocky Bars
with humankind on its way to Mars.

Biscuit: Cadbury's Mini Fingers
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

We're with her!

Today America will decide
whether to take on Jekyll or Hyde
surely out of 325 million
they could have found
better candidates
to lead the United States

Trump is a racist, a liar, a denier,
a groper and a hater
to the environment he's a traitor

Clinton's establishment, out of touch,
been at it for too long,
she's still singing the same political song

One choice is insincerity
the other may start World War III
But if you vote for Trump
you're voting for a bad smell
that can only get worse
and will be America's legacy and curse.

All things considered

Biscuit: McVitie's Digestives Nibbles in dark chocolate
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: From Waitrose in Lymington

Thursday, 3 November 2016

Why Am I Waiting?

Why am I still waiting
for the 7:39?
Why am I still waiting?
I’ve been here for a long time.
Is it stormy weather,
or livestock on the line?
Should I wait here ‘til the rain stops
and the sun begins to shine?

I hope it’s not the Union
who have called a strike.
Perhaps they have been offered
a new deal they just don’t like.

Maybe it’s subsidence
or leaves upon the track.
Or maybe it’s the train crew,
the ones they gave the sack.

Maybe there are trespassers
walking on the rails,
or maybe trees have blocked the way
straining against the gales.

If I’m late for work again,
the second time this week,
my boss could give a warning
and my prospects might be bleak.

So why am I still waiting
for the 7:39?
Oh please, come soon,
I must resume,
This damn commute of mine.

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

#ThumpTrump (metaphorically, of course!)

We've got the hump -
Donald Trump,
the runt,
the grump,
the lumpy chump,
will lead the world
into an almighty slump.
Thankfully his campaign
has encountered a bump
no doubt he'll end up
in the municipal dump
with his roadkill hair
in a ridiculous clump
and rotten food cladding
his plump rump.
He's a joke.

*metaphorically of course

PS Have you noticed how many negative words rhyme with Trump?

Biscuit: Belvita Breakfast Tops
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £2.79 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

We're Rootin' and Tootin'

Howdy pardner!
Get awf your hoss
And take a bite of this rootin’, tootin’ chocolate bar.

It’s called a Canyon.
It’s chunky, it’s rugged.
Cacti stand proud in the Wild West landscape of its wrapper.

It promises cowboy adventure and all the glamour of the cowboy life.
But it’s a fiddle.
Cos it comes from Lidl. 
This poem was submitted by a guest writer. If you fancy writing your own biscuit poem then have a go and send it to us through our website:

Biscuit: Canyon Bar
Taste test: 8.3 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Lidl - thanks Miles!