Tuesday, 25 September 2012

More Apples Please

Cox's, Gala, Russet and Braeburn,
Bramleys, Golden Delicious, for all apples we yearn.

Autumn sees apples falling from trees,
the onus on all to bake something to please.

Crumble, tart, turnover, biscuits, and pie,
Steaming puddings to catch Granny Smith's eye.

Red apple strudel to make a Pink Lady blush.
Apples to snack on when you're in a rush.

Everyone loves apples except for Snow White,
but you can't really blame her she got such a fright.

We're big apple fans as we're sure you can tell,
 we were certain these biscuits would go down so well.

Yet only 14% apple was really quite sad,
Go on, increase the apples and make us all glad.

Biscuit: Kex Apple
Taste test: 4 out of 10
Cost: £1.30 from Ikea

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Why does a fig roll?

Why does a fig roll?
Because it's a biscuit.
Why does a mole live in a hole?
'Cos up a tree he'd be rather a misfit.
Why does an owl bow?
Because it's too wet too woo.
Why does a cow meow?
Because it's too purrfect to moo.

How does a gum whine?
Loudly 'cos life sucks!
How does a fish step out of line?
Quickly, desperate to avoid the ducks.
How does a foal bowl?
Awkward and skittley.
How does a fig roll?
With great difficulty.

Biscuit: Jacob's Fig Rolls
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1.66 from www.ocado.com

Friday, 14 September 2012

Wild West Wagon Wheel

[For maximum effect put on your best cowboy/girl drawl when reading this poem]

In 1948
Burtons did create
a biscuit that was wheely great
and rolled around the United States.

The wagon wheels keep turning
For them we are a yearn'in

John Wayne was the True Grit star,
whilst Calamity Jane whopped 'yeehah'.
Oh how we loved the Wild Wild West
where the cowboys were quite overdressed.

The wagon wheels keep turning
For them we are a yearn'in

Now we're older we've come to realise
the wagon wheel has shrunk in size
or maybe it's just we've smaller hands
and time is running away like sand.

The wagon wheels keep turning
For them we are a yearn'in

Biscuit: Burtons Wagon Wheels
Taste test: 8.75 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Tesco, Brockenhurst

Fantastic Mr Fox

[We are now such firm fans of Fox's biscuits, we just can't stop writing tributes to them -  free biscuits =  free poems, take note other biscuit companies!]

Dear Mr Fox

We puzzled long and hard
when we received that brown paper box.
At first, we figured that it
was sent by a friend of Cam
that she met across a biscuit.
Then we thought it just a scam
by Jo our busy biscuit muse.

We waited quite a while
before we rummaged in the parcel.
But now we've found
your generous gift
of creams and crunch,
and a poem full of menace
from John Wood or Wilmot,
your rakish PR man.

Even Olly who really
puts the boot in
says thanks a bunch
and for you, Mr Fox,
we'll all be rooting.

The Biscuit Poets

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Fox's Surprise Biscwit Package

[On the 18th July we wrote a 'letter of complaint' poem about Fox's Chunkie biscuits - scroll down the blog to read it.  Shortly after we received a mystery package which sat waiting for us over the summer break - we think we must have ruffled some panda fur with our musings!]
The Surprise Package

We got a package four weeks ago
where it came from we did not know.
We sat down to open with a lift
this large, expensive brown paper gift

Peering inside we were surprised to see
a poem penned by gangland Panda Vinnie,
and a tin choc full of Fox's creams and crunches.
So many free biscuits, we won't eat our lunches

The Biscuit Poets
A barrel full of biscuits and laughs,
Fox's, you certainly don't do things by halves.
We're so sorry we sent your bakers reeling
we didn't intent to hurt their feelings

If Vinnie's gunning for us we ain't scared,
when he sends his boys we'll be prepared.
We'll duel with rhymes, with biscuits and tea,
so see you next Tuesday at nine thirty.

Vinnie's Poem 

Dear Biscuit Poets

It saddened me to read your rhyme
I chewed it over for quite sometime.

You dissed the Biscwits, you dished the dirt.
With heroic couplets, you sought to hurt

our trusty and hard-working bakers
and dedicated biscuit makers.

Maligning the folks in the kitchen
with your rantin' and your bitchin'.

Bad mouthing Fox's, that ain't good
Do I send The Boys round to your 'hood...?

They could arrange a little 'surprise'
So maybe you'll apologise

But in the meantime, accept from me
A barrel of Biscwits, completely free

Your's truly,

Vinnie. For and on behalf of Fox's

Monday, 3 September 2012

Plain Hobnobbing

What a wonderful job to consume a Hobnob
I could definitely stay after hours
With silky smooth chocolate, a temptress for sure
Such a sumptuous treat to devour

The dark chocolate robe belies what's below
This cookie's quite hardcore, not all is on show
She's crumbly and crunchy and tangles with your teeth
She's good news for the dentist. That's our belief

Biscuit: Dark Chocolate Hobnob
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1.20 Ringwood Waitrose