Friday, 28 March 2014

Unidentified Flying Objects

[For maximum enjoyment please read in squeaky alien voice]

Greetings strange beings
we come in pieces
(because Lee dropped us on the floor)
and give you tidings of
close encounters of the biscuit kind

We hail from planet New Milton
head quarters of the inter-galatic alliance
Nan oo, Nan oo
We're breaking up......
(because Lee dropped us on the floor)

Our space craft
zooms at warp speed nine
we are extraterrestrial
Lee tried to clingon
(but he dropped us on the floor)

Beam us up Scotty
our mission is accomplished
we hoped for earthling domination
but they ate us
(just before Lee dropped us on the floor. AGAIN)

Biscuit: Hellema UFO
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Poundstretcher in New Milton

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Nuts about Shakespeare

If biscuits be the food
of thought for our
poetic verse

which fine ingredients
sparked the fire
of our desire
to converse

with you our
friends, Romans, countrymen,
O whose attention
we seek to nurse?

T'was the nuts
that drove us to this brink.
Can Shakespeare's curse
ever be reversed?

Biscuit: Milka choco cookies with NUTS
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: A gift from the mountains of Austria

Friday, 14 March 2014

Do models eat biscuits?

Twiggy's to blame
all the models look the same
emaciated and thin
their biscuits go straight in the bin
(so they can fit in
those size zero dresses
with the lacy trim)

Kate Moss is a waif
whose lips won't touch a wafer
Cara Delevingne
eschews every custard cream
Posh Spice resists
designs on the cinnamon twist

Karl LagerFELT no remorse and never will.

Biscuit: Fox's Caramel and Hazlenut Caffe Thins
Taste test: 7.5 out of 10
Cost: £1 per box from Tesco in New Milton

Friday, 7 March 2014

Don’t Slate This Biscuit

Broad as basalt blocks,
far from a ginger thin,
this fairing comes from a box
that really should be a tin.

As hard as granite,
Like a rock, just solid.
A storm in a teacup
and it starts to break up.

Explodes with a bang,
With a spicy, sandy tang,
dissolves like fudge
to creamy coloured sludge.

Poor Cornwall wind damaged,
wave ravaged,
an island of shale
no longer connected by rail.

And also this solo gem:

I was so stressed out
I needed a vacation
Cornwall was my destination
And I haven’t a Kernow.

Biscuit: Cornish Fairings
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: A present from Lee