Tuesday, 22 December 2015

What am I?

I'm spicy
and feisty
I have a tan
like I've been tan-goed
My fixed grin
stops me going back in the tin
I'm androgynous
yet gorg-e-ous
Do I feak you out, maybe?
because I look like a biscuit jelly baby?
Grandmothers bake me for Christmas treats
Kids bite my head and my feet
What am I?

Biscuit: Tesco's Gingerbread Men
Taste test:  7 out of 10
Cost: Christmas gift

Tuesday, 15 December 2015


Major Tim Peake
Will be breaking a record this week,
he's the first male Briton ,
to grace space.

He blasted off at 11:03
no doubt dreaming of a mug
of proper brewed tea.

He'll be joining fellow astronauts
on the rocket SOYUZ,
if he doesn't make it back
it will be a field day for the lawyers.

We applaud the giants steps
he's taking to INFINITY and beyond,
we hope the mission's genuine
and we're not sat here being conned.

You're a brave man Tim,
quite unique,
zooming in a rust-bucket that's, let's face it, antique,
we wish you LUCK and safe return,
upon re-entry don't let those nostril hairs burn.

Biscuit: Nairn's Astro Bites
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: £1.59 from Ocado

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Bad Taste

What a waste
these biscuits take the biscuit
for bad taste

Unlike Marmite
there was no love - just hate
now we're feeling sorry
we put them on our plate

Bad taste lingers on the palate
just like the clothes of Timmy Mallet
or the xenophobic views of Donald Trump
and despicable rants of Fury - the chump

Like the bribes taken by the FIFA elite
or the water spider celeb Ferne managed to eat
bad taste is everywhere - out and about
especially at Xmas with the brussel sprout.

Biscuit: O Hawaii Tropical Crisps
Taste test:  0.5 out of 10
Cost: A bad taste gift!

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Global Warning

Christmas spices warm our heart
whilst the ozone layer is torn apart
open fires are part of festive traditions
yet they're adding to global carbon emissions

politicians in Paris
are discussing global warming
whilst India and China's power stations
should come with a health warning

the ice caps are melting
causing the sea to rise
all this pollution
will be the human demise

this is a subject to be taken seriously
otherwise mankind will have no destiny
we must open our eyes and see
let's face it, there's no planet B

Biscuit: Dark Chocolate Ginger Cookies
Taste test:  9 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

#Save Headway Soton

Hong Kong bricks
remind Dean of Horlicks
perhaps they'd taste better
if we ate them with chopsticks?

Bricks and mortar are on our mind
plans to demolish our building are cruel and unkind
Suzuki's plot is not so hot,
to turn Headway's home into their parking lot.

A planning application is in
so our fight to save Headway must begin
we'll do all we can to stop it
it's people that count - not profit

Something rotten
is happening in Totton
share this post so that
Headway Soton is not forgotten.

Biscuit: Yogee Oat Bran with Chocolate (they look like bricks)
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: Denis brought them back from Hong Kong

To make an objection to the planning application go to:

and click the button that says 'Make a public comment'.

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Pointing the Finger

It's too easy to point the finger,
to play the blame game.
It's tempting to shame others,
not put ourselves in the frame.

Blame is a destructive flame,
that burns within the gut,
it destroys tolerance and trust,
keeping the doors to compassion shut.

Accusations without consideration
create resentment and retaliation,
society implodes, bombs explode,
who wants to live in divided nations?

Embrace empathy and love,
no one needs to prove they're tough,
let's all stand together,
peace is enough.

Biscuit: Cadbury's Fingers Salted Peanut Crunch
Taste test:  9.2 out of 10
Cost: Reduced to 95p from Waitrose in Lymington.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015













Biscuit: Chocolate Malted Milk Biscuits
Taste test:  9 out of 10 preferred it
Cost: Waitrose in Lymington, under a quid.

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Hansel and Gretel Retold

Come let us tell you a story,
about a boy and a girl,
who lived in a very Grimm world.

They be named Hansel and Gretel,
abandoned in the woods,
like damaged, unwanted goods.

But fear not dear listeners,
so Hansel didn't get lost,
a trail of biscuit crumbs he tossed.

Alas Hansel's plan failed,
the crumbs had vanished,
into the darkness the children were banished.

Suddenly their spirits were lifted,
by the sight of a cottage out of the ordinary,
made from gingerbread and adorned with confectionery.

A cackling witch offered them treats,
but she was far from fair,
so snatched them into her lair.

Feasting on them was her aim,
she sought to fatten them up on sweets,
preferring kids' bones clad in meat.

The sibling's death day dawned,
yet the thought of kid casserole they weren't loving,
so they pushed the hag into the oven!

Biscuit: Favorina Gingerbread Hearts
Taste test:  Yum, 8 out of 10.
Cost: A present from Fiona (Lidl we think).

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Titanic Survival Biscuit

For fifteen thousand pounds it sold,
the cracker that's one hundred and three years old,
it's the world's most valuable biscuit,
part of the Titanic survival kit.

This snack has outlived the last survivor,
shame it didn't prove to be a life saver,
now only the ghosts walk on the waves,
as the bodies lie deep in their watery graves.

Biscuit:  Old stale box of Palmiers - nearly passed their sell by date
Taste test:  Not bad considering their age.
Cost: Cheap - from Lidl a long time ago

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Autumn's Hue

Autumn leaves pass by our window
a flurry of burnt orange, old gold,
red velvet and rustic brown
the wind blows them to the ground.

A sycamore seed spinning around
in graceful liberation,
to plant itself in the ground
to start a new creation.

Children stockpile horse-chestnuts
before the autumn weather conquers us,
mist mingles with the dew
velvet red is autumn's hue.

Biscuit:  Red Velvet Crunch Creams
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: 99p from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

Kvikk Lunsj

Did we eat these biscuits fast
Was it a Kit Kat
or a copycat?

Perhaps a Kvikk Lunsj (Quick Lunch)
or rather a substantial brunch,
because the thick chocolate
packs a real punch,

Will it make Edvard Munch
Scream in delight,
or might the garish wrapper
give him a fright?

Biscuit:  Kvikk Lunsj (Quick Lunch)
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: 540 Norwegian Krone from Oslo Airport

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Chinese Whispers

Mist on the Yellow River,
leaves on the willow quiver,

Smoke from a thousand chimneys
blackens the eastern breeze,

The fragrant infusion of tea,
syrup sweetness of lychee.

Tastes that sweatshop comrades cannot savour
in lives of cheap and wasted labour.

Biscuit:  A mixture of Chinese sweet snacks
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Denis from Hong Kong

Friday, 2 October 2015

Millionaire Lifestyle

Hip hip hooray
we're on the Headway Holiday,
blue skies above
blue sea in the bay.

We took in the sights
of the Isle of Wight,
the Botanic Gardens of Ventnor
what glorious flora we saw.

As a group we did partake
in the joy of Millionaire's Shortcake,
baked by Sally's friend Jane
efforts to resist were in vain.

We marvelled at Victoria & Albert's
former house,
and the acres of woodland
where the gentry shot grouse.

Now we're sat on the ferry
memories making us merry,
Headway beckons
best holiday ever - Karl reckons.

Biscuit:  Homemade Millionaire's Shortcake
Taste test: 10 out of 10 (dee-lish-us)
Cost: Made by Jane Avery, Sally the chef's friend

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

On your metal

Alchemists of old
Lied to turn lead into gold.

Brass-necked, bold as bronze,
They spoke with silver tongues.

Slippery and variable,
Fickle as nickel, mercurial,

Hard of heart, like steel,
Pursuing their dream and their deal.

For the transformation of zinc
These charlatans struggled to think.

Secrets circulated amongst ‘em
But still they couldn’t make tungsten.

But now the copper strikes his iron fist
And alchemy has vanished in time’s mist,

Although sadly now new scams abound.
In banks, on line, nowhere is safe for your pound.

Modern tricksters your gold will take
And turn it to a leaden fake.

Biscuit:  McVitie's Gold Bar
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1 per pack of 8 from The 99p Store

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

What is beauty?

Butterflies all of a flutter
Melted butter on a crumpet
The smell of burning rubber*
Flickering embers of a bonfire
Folding back the covers of a freshly made bed
The warmth and scent of a just baked loaf
The clink of an ice cube in a single malt
Crunch of footsteps in new fallen snow
The twang of Jimmy Hendrix's guitar
Cheek to cheek with Brian the ballroom master
The velvety feel of a plush theatre seat
The late Lou Reed singing Sweet Jane

Beauty is in the ear, nose and throat of the beholder,
Our perceptions alter as we grow older,
Beauty is a personal point of view,
What you admire is up to you.......

*Karl's choice!

Biscuit: Hobnobs Choc Chip
Taste test:7 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Asda in Totton

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

A postcard to the refugees

We are thinking of you,
We wish you were here,
Instead of fleeing your homes
in ever present fear.
struggling to reach us anyway you can,
by boat or on foot across inhospitable land.

The desperation and hardship,
tortured lives so hard to endure,
the realisation only hit us
when Aylan washed up on a Turkish shore.

Please be wary,
European streets aren't paved with gold,
beware the traffickers,
to whom your lives may be sold.

Our thoughts are with you,
we are all hand in hand,
we urge you onwards,
to your chosen promised land.

Biscuit:  Tutku
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Lee from his holiday in Turkey

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

All things Swiss

Mountainous heart of the Alps, Switzerland,
Landlocked land, no navy on hand,
Alpine flowers, Edelweiss and Gentian
Warrant a mention.

French, German, Italian are the resident tongues,
For their yodelling echoes they need big lungs,
Famous icons include Federer, Heidi and William Tell,
The brave St. Bernard and the clanging cow bell.

Biscuit: Kambly Coeur aux Noisettes
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: Pricey from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Flapjack Jon

Unflappable Jon T
baked us some flapjacks
to inspire poetry.
He's tall and calm,
walks with a stick,
oozes kindness
but what makes him tick?
He's an enigma,
hard to define -
whilst his chocolate covered flapjacks
taste divine!
A picture of happiness
with inner charm,
a swooping eagle soars on his arm.
His canine friend Alfie
keeps him active and healthy,
for him it's claret and blue,
a Hammers fan
through and through!
Our Jon's forever young -
his football team
of grandchildren
promise him a lifetime of fun.

Biscuit:  Jon T's Flapjacks
Taste test: 9.9999 out of 10
Cost: Handmade by Jon T

Tuesday, 18 August 2015


Short and plain and round,
From Lidl and hardly more than a pound,
These biscuits claim to be a classic
But seem actually quite basic.

Eat too many and you’ll end up a fatty,
Not svelte like the chassis
Of a slim-line Bugatti
Or those other Italian sports car classics.

Nor slender like Margot Fonteyn,
Pirouetting round again and again,
Her audience deep in a trance
As she performs her classic Russian dance.

On his round, Aristotle
Drank one too many a bottle,
And Plato downed a short
As they discussed their classic thought.

Homer and Virgil chomp their lunchtime sandwiches
And chew on the complexity of classic languages
While we strain and struggle to rhyme
Asking, ‘Will our poems stand the test of time?’

We may wonder what their fate is.

Probably, we guess, not quite classic status. 

Biscuit:  Classic Shortbread Rounds
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: From Lidl in Totton, hardly more than a pound!

Tuesday, 21 July 2015


It's the simple things
in life that please:
sunshine, flowers,
a cool breeze.
Music, friends, dancing
and wine,
joining family - going out
to dine.

Lunchtime makes Brian happy
the 12 o'clock certainty of food
on his plate,
a sated smile - everyone's his mate.

60's music lifts Terry's spirits
shimmying with a gin & tonic
a gigantic grin,
his moves iconic.

Chocolate improves Paul's humour.
the whispered promise of a bite
a loud laugh
intimates his delight

Sunshine brightens Lee's mood
basking in the warmth of the rays,
a sun-kissed glow
Oh happy days!

Biscuit:  Deli Choc
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: Buy one get one free offer (this was the free packet!)

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Go set a clock

Should unpublished books
be left to rest unread?
Better not to disturb the dead?
Leave sequels to our imaginations,
don't disappoint our great expectations.

Shield us from the mental struggle
of accepting Potter's transformation to muggle.
Harry Potter at the Chamber of Commerce
would spell a literary turn for the worse.

Who'd want to read about
Lady Chatterley's mother
or George Orwell's little brother
James Herbert's gerbils wouldn't scare
and nobody cares for Euston Bear!

Biscuit:  Tim Tams
Taste test: 7.7 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Denis

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

11:30am 7/7/15








Tuesday, 30 June 2015

A Poem that may drag on

Perhaps dragons derive from dinosaurs
rather than from mother-in-laws.

Although both are grim and fire-breathing,
there’s only one you can believe in.

Dragons are the villains of ancient fairy tales
and also the emblem of the flag of Wales.

Dragons spend their leisure
dwelling in a cave
filled with treasure,
saving energy for a weekend monster rave,
finding their pleasure
devising ways to misbehave.

Once, high overhead they flew
until along came St George and slew
the most fearsome but the last.
And now, alas, they live only in the past.

Biscuit:  Dibus Dragon Biscuits
Taste test: 8 out of 10

Cost: 99p from the 99p store

Friday, 26 June 2015

Have I got old news for you

Does old news simply go away
because it's not front page today?

Has everyone with Ebola recovered
or are there thousands more cases
 to be discovered?
Is Kathmandu recovering with slow trepidation
or are aftershocks still traumatising the nation?
Are migrants homeward bound on sturdy ships
or are they still making their one way death trips?

Is it the media who are obsessed with new
or is it that we don't want to be retold
the old?
Who knows?

Biscuit:  Cadbury's Caramel Biscuit
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Paul

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

The Biscuit With No Name

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No, it's the biscuit with no name,
Nameless yet delicious,
Though the lack of label
makes us suspicious.

What is baker Fiona trying to hide?
We hope there's nothing unsavoury inside.
It's a biscuit baked with anonymity
can we trust it's edibility?
(is it safe to dip in tea?).

Convention demands nomination
of this nutty, naughty, chocolate creation.
A magic moment biscuit fit for Perry Como
deserved of a cooked up name,

Biscuit:  Biscuit With No Name
Taste test: 10 out of 10
Cost: Homemade chocolate and nut biscuits from Fiona

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Bookings please!

A simply joyous gig at Irwin Mitchell last night.
Shan shone, Jegan joked, Terry terrorised the audience with gags a plenty, Karl cleverly adopted accents from across the globe, Denis dazzled with his extreme articulation, Lee loved the audience and very nearly broke into song, Olly overwhelmed with his biscuit bard rapping and Vicky was velvety, voluminous and voluptuous.

The Biscuit Poets are now ready for anything, if you need some inspirational entertainment for a corporate event, team building day, inspirational seminar or even a bar mitzvah then hire us, you will be surprised, inspired and will certainly laugh a lot.

Friday, 5 June 2015

National Biscuit Day

On the 29th of May
in Ireland and the UK
it was National Biscuit Day.

We savour and adore
these biscuits
handmade in Lismore
the town where Fred Astaire
danced in the square
with sister Adele
down the cobbled thoroughfare

What a perfect way
to celebrate National Biscuit Day
a choreographic display
of dark chocolate and cardamom
but where's Ginger?

Biscuit:  Dark Chocolate and Cardamom
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: Not sure but they tasted expensive!

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

The Biscuitology of Brain Injury

[One of our hardest hitting poems to raise awareness during Action for Brain Injury Week]

Morning Coffee biscuits
are caffeine injections for my voice
propelling me to talk about brain injury
how it changed my life and took away choice

When a bomb goes off in your head
people say "you're lucky you're not dead"
and deep within the turmoil hidden inside
I know, on that day I so nearly died

The fear and the pain in the eyes of my family
were part and parcel of the unfolding tragedy
the constant confusion of being alive
battled to suffocate my will to survive

Now it's hard to find the right person to love
although I would and could -
but can't
because the whole damn world exists on a slant

Now the person I am is simplified
and I feel for once time's on my side
I'm on a journey - no desire to regret
Just tell me please, am I there yet?

Biscuit: Crawford's Morning Coffee
Taste test: 5 out of 10
Cost:  2 for £1 from Poundland in Shirley

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Seeing Red

[To be read in a frenzy]

Red is the colour of
danger, strawberries,
dragons, debt, ketchup,
warning, lust, labour,
chillies, Mars, blood
communists, Ayres Rock
fury, shame, fire,
flames of passion,
lipstick on your collar,
heat, devils, wine,
ferraris, grapes, wrath,
anger, tomatoes

Biscuit:  Red Velvet Cake
Taste test: 9.99999 out of 10
Cost: Made by Mia (thank you Mia, makes a change from biscuits!)

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Green is the colour

As Kermit the Frog once said:
"It's not easy being green",
just ask Caroline Lucas
the only green MP
in the Westminster Village,
who's fighting against
the rape and pillage
of our planet.
Trident - the Greens want to ban it,
Renewable energy - they are a fan of it.
They're against corruption
and global destruction,
their membership is on the up
Labour and Conservative
with all their envy
are turning green,
in political terms they're has-beens.
Green is most definitely the colour!

Biscuit:  Koala's March (in Green!)
Taste test: 10 out of 10
Cost: Brought back from Thailand (thanks Denis)

Thursday, 30 April 2015

The dark side of the Med

Sun, sea, sand,
the glistening blue of the Mediterranean Sea
a holiday destination for the 'oh so wealthy'
cocktails, parasols, romance and good times
hoards of tourists enjoying the sunshine

Yet that mirage masks a harsh reality
of many migrants trying to flee
the lives of atrocity and uncertainty
they face back in their own country

Where their daily existence is so hard -so grim
that they are willing to risk life and limb
by putting their faith in human trafficking
boarding unsafe ships unable to swim

1400 lives lost last week
a body count too high - too bleak
The Med is now a deep dark grave
A watery master eager to enslave

Biscuit: Want Want Seaweed Rice Crackers
Taste test: 10 out of 10
Cost: Brought back from Hong Kong (thanks Denis)

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Our Manifesto

Vote for the only party
that promotes biscuit poetry.

We will increase your slice of the centre
We will give you more than crumbs on your plate.

There'll be no more hobnobbing now
in the corridors of power.

We will add to your benefits
wafers, chocolate fingers and other biscuits.

You'd be crackers to vote for anyone else:
Mr Farage is no more than a mirage
Mr Miliband is impossibly bland
Mr Clegg is cracked and broken like an egg
Mr Cameron and wife Sam just don't give a damn.

We are the icing on the top
the sweet cream of the crop.

Here's a digestive or two
of what we want to do.

Decent housing for the homeless
A living wage and nothing less.

An economy with low carbon emission
Honest and fair taxation.

Living benefits if you cannot work
Affordable public transport.

We think that it's sensible too
to stay within the EU.

The right proportion of our wealth
should be spent on the national health.

but we need money to be there
to provide for social care.

We know as well the hard fact
that the only way to pay is with more tax.

And if then we still need more cash
then Trident we will have to slash.

And extra VAT on biscuits and confectionery
might stop us eating quite so many.

An Election Poem by Jamie

Do I vote to pacify my own needs
or do I become an MP and do the dirty deed,
to take away what some people had
gone forever, that's rather sad.
What happened to 'we are all the same,
we are in this together'?
The cloud has burst
and to dirty weather.

I'd like to see the elderly in peace
to be cared for; looking after their needs.
To have our schools closer to home
so that no child has to roam.
Our workers paid enough money to survive
not needing food banks to stay alive.

My Manifesto by Shan

Keep those millions of quid from being flushed
down the waste loo.
Those developing countries' greedy governments have their own cash
don't give them even more to spend on themselves,
rather than their people.
You could cut the hot air that emits from politicans' mouths
and melt all the ear wax that makes them deaf to most people.
Scrap the FA, ECB, RFU etc etc and replace them
with boards that can actively work for their money.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Rice Cake Thins, Really?

Imagine our delight when we discovered there was already a poem written on the packaging of these rice cake thins - our work was already done, we could relax... 
Disappointingly their poem is rubbish. Scroll down to see our one liner response, devoid of marketing puffery.

Kallo's poem

There once was a caramel cannon,
It was oh such a magical sight.
It sent chocolate and caramel pieces,
Into wonderful sweet sticky flight.

The circus performers all loved it,
Especially the caramel clown.
He loved eating chocolate and caramel,
And whatever goes up must come down.

The Biscuit Poets' response

We are not admiring
 the texture of chocolate and polystyrene.

Biscuit: Kallo Belgian Milk Chocolate with Caramel Pieces Rice Cake Thins
Taste test: 1 out of 10 (Not, as they describe, 'Wizardy-Wee to have with your tea')
Cost: £1.69 from Ocado

Thursday, 2 April 2015

In the Groove

People stayin' alive
in their kipper ties
workin' nine to five
psychedelic disco lights flashing
glam guitars thrashing


Bell bottoms you would wear
if you had funk and flair
diggin' the far out vibe
yet still doin' the nine to five


Flares swaying, dudes hangin'
smooth movin', platform walkin'
Huggy Bear talkin' jive
still feelin' the nine to five


Biscuit: Groovy Biscuits
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 89p in Aldi in Romsey

Friday, 27 March 2015

Electoral Spin

there's a rumour going round
that Cameron's stepping down
not immediately you see
but after a second term
when we may get May
if she wins the fight
or Osbourne might
or enter Boris
 on his bike

Are we to believe him
or is it just electoral spin
after all the Lady who was not for turning
did a U-turn
will David also break his promise
and slither toadily
 a third time
back into office

Perhaps it's a case of
trouble & strife
from SamCam his wife
twisting the knife
into his political life
so they no longer have to rush
- more time to play Candy Crush

Biscuit: Cadbury Wisp
Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: 98p in Asda in Southampton (thanks Olly)

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

What's in a nick name?

Timbo, Nutty, Gibbo and Spud
childhood nicknames - not one a dud,
Monikers fashioned from family names
often cruel and designed to shame.

Rhino, Caterpillar, Irongut and Bee
terms of endearment we're sure you'll agree,
Whereas Bogie Nose, Coconut and Wally
coined to poke fun, particularly at Olly.

Names that transport us back to the playground
where thoughts were simple and silly not deep and profound,
Crisp, Jester, Octopus and Mess
some still raise a smile, we have to confess.

Biscuit: Tunnock's Caramel Log
Taste test: 9.999 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

What do you think about pink?

Is pink a feminine colour?
It depends on your point of view.
Are men afraid of pink?
Do girls stay away from blue?

Boys should be proud to wear pink
it's no longer the stereotype that you think.
Gone are the days of rose tinted prescription
specs from the NHS,
worn by a girl in gingham
playing hopscotch in her dress.

Pink's a colour of change and optimism
a symbol for hope not a badge of sexism,
you can wear it with pride
as you march through the street,
and in the Race for Life
when you pound your feet.

Whether you're in the pink,
tickled pink, or pretty in pink
it doesn't matter what others think
you'll be coming up roses
be powerful in pink
and strike dynamic poses.

Biscuit: Tesco Finest All Butter Rose Biscuits For Tea
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1.99 at Tesco in New Milton

Thursday, 5 March 2015

School Days School Dinners

School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners.
Do you remember back in the day
when the lunch bell used to ring
oh the moans it signalled in
did spotted dick make you sick
or frog spawn tapioca choke ya?

Oliver was always asked if he wanted more
but declined cos it made his tummy sore
The pink custard so thick and gloopy
the smell of it would drive you loopy
semolina like wallpaper paste
would clear the dinner hall post-haste.

The watery cabbage, overcooked meat 
and lumpy gravy
wasn't very appealing to you or me
spam fritters
a.k.a. specially processed American meat
would cause even the hardiest eaters
to beat a retreat.

School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners
so many sinners
and they all had to wait
in rotation
to get the slop on their plate!

Biscuit: Mcvities Strawberry Cheesecake (smell like school puddings!)
Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: 2 for £2 at Sainsbury's in Christchurch

Monday, 23 February 2015

Setting Sail

The Mary Rose
Henry VIII who had a few wives,
stood on shore to watch this naval lady sink.
Taking with her almost two hundred lives,
his magnificent flagship drowned in the drink.

The Golden Hind
Francis Drake calmly completed his game,
Before dealing with Philip of Spain.
The Iberian fleet assumed they were harder,
but he proved them wrong and sank their Armada.

The Mayflower
She set sail from Southampton,
with her crew of Puritan pilgrims.
To find a new land by what is now Boston,
where they could sing their bleak hymns.

The Endeavour
Captain Cook believed he was clever,
when he sailed from Whitby in the Endeavour.
He thought he'd discover Australia,
but the Dutch were there first and his voyage a failure.

The Bounty
Captain Bligh cruelly tormented his crew,
so much so that a mutiny started to brew.
Mate and men cast him away in an open boat,
and left him at sea to sink or to float.

The Victory
At Cape Trafalgar, with one good eye
and just one arm, Nelson scored a singular victory.
As he lay on the deck preparing to die,
he spoke his famous last words: 'Hardy, kiss me.'

From these biscuits with their chocolate cloak
to such famous ships of the past
might seem an impossible distant joke,
but each one carries an imprint of sails and mast.

Biscuit: Sondey Milk Chocolate Butter Biscuits
Taste test: 9.7 out of 10
Cost: 43p from Lidl in Totton (2 packets were rapidly scoffed)

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Chips Ahoy

Avast, me hearties
we've come over all piratical,
Why didn't the pirate have aspirins?
Because his parrot ate 'em all.

Long John Silver, Blackbeard,
Black Dog and Blind Pugh,
all tyrannical pirates
instilling fear in their crew.

They man the main mast
to see plunder from afar.
Why are pirates frightening?
Because they ARRRRRRRR!

Shiver me timbers,
pieces of eight,
time to walk the plank
me ole shipmate.

Why does it take pirates
so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend too long at 'C'
no doubt succumbing to the horror
of life with scurvy.

Biscuit: Chips Ahoy Candy Blasts
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.49 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Goodbye Pandering

We're becoming a nation of panderers
constantly pandering to people's whims
pandering politicians trying desperately to win votes
spewing forth smarmy soundbites and quotes

The avoidance of risk has become a national obsession
in every sector we pander to the health and safety inspector
it's a characteristic we all need to address
from the police to the schools to the NHS

Let's stop cosying up to foreign energy suppliers
flocking to the funeral of a Saudi king
dazzled by oil,super yachts and bling
stop such pandering
stand up for what is right
whilst remembering not everything is black and white (even pandas)

Biscuit: Hello Panda
Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: they should have paid us!

Tuesday, 27 January 2015


I love the smell of oranges in the morning
it's very appealing and sends my senses reeling

Jegan prefers the smell of sherry in the evening
it gets him merry and sends him reeling

Lee likes the smell of an open window at dusk
it's a raw resuscitation to his next inhalation

Karl remembers the smell of dying embers
from the fire that burned all through the night

Mandy is driven crazy by the smell of Jalfrezi
her sinuses are stricken by the spices and chicken

Brian's memories are triggered
by the reek of spent gunpowder
Oh deer he missed

Ollie has a tear in  his eye
when he sniffs the spice of his stir-fry
the ginger, garlic and chilli
make him all excited and silly

Lee B enjoys the scent of cinnamon
baked into his Mum's apple pie
you may ask why
because it's bloody lovely!

Biscuit: Loacker Wafers (they smell lovely!)
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: 99p in Holland and Barrett, Lymington

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Right to be Rude

These biscuits made us
question what is meant by rude
Distasteful, inappropriate, disgusting,
obscene or just plain crude.

Are you glad that page 3
is now bikini clad,
or is it just for your Dad?
Do you lament the decline
of manners,
does it make you want to march
with softly spoken banners?
Do you reminisce
about the yesterdays of Sir and Miss?
Cringe at those who blaspheme,
when their kids shout and scream?
Laugh at racist jokes,
or sympathise with those whom fun pokes?

Should everyone be free to offend,
are you accepting of this current trend?
Our democracy's based on the
principle of free speech.
So who the hell are we to preach?

Biscuit: Rude Health Spelt Oaty
Taste test: 6.5 out of 10 (but are they really biscuits?)
Cost: £2.10 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

#je suis charlie

charlie was in trouble
extremists burst their bubble
they came under fire
for creating offensive satire
terror tried to silence their illustrative fun
but the pen was mightier than the gun

the liberty terrorists attempted to sever
in reality drew everyone together
millions poured on to the streets
showing solidarity by stamping their feet

the people stood firm in their stance
to uphold the values of france
liberté, égalité, fraternité is what they say
and so charlie hebdo will again be printed today

Biscuit: Aero Biscuits
Taste test: 9.5 out of 10 (but are they really biscuits?)
Cost: £1.69 from Tesco in New Milton

Thursday, 8 January 2015

NO New Year's Resolutions

O dear it's New Year
we'll all be another year older
now is the time to be bolder
forget resolutions
we are who we are
stick to your usual plan
and you'll go far

Resolutions pile on the pressure
expectations are set too high
realistic goals are better to try
forget resolutions
we are who we are
embrace yourself
to guarantee inner health

Resist the temptation to crash diet
relax if you want to find lasting peace
and just loosen your belt to find release
forget resolutions
we are who we are
set your sights on Spring
let nature make your heart sing

Biscuit: Dad's Goodie Rings
Taste test: 9.8 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Canada