Dreaming of a First French Noel

On the first day of Christmas
Our true loves sent to us:
One French quail,
Two garlic snails,
Three French Le Pens,
Four wretched roosters,
Five camemberts,
Six goose livers,
Seven cyclists touring,
Eight escargot stewing,
Nine dames dancing,
Ten frogs a prancing,
Eleven waiters sneering,
Twelve French kisses
Under the mistletoe
With a Michelin star
Or two or three
And a French patisserie
Based on the Bayeux Tapisserie.
A Bayeux Tapestry biscuit
That proved a striking hit,
Unlike this chauvinistic verse,
Which we think one of our worst.
One in the eye, though, Mrs May,
Pour vous et tous les Anglais.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A Very Headway Christmas

[Sung to the Tune of Happy Xmas (War is over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono]

And so this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Have you wrapped all your presents

And written cards to everyone?

A very Headway Christmas

To our supporters and friends

Let’s hope it’s a peaceful one

And all wars come to an end

And so this is Christmas

And what haven’t you done?

Have you ordered a turkey

That will fit your oven?

A very Headway Christmas

Full of sprouts and mistletoe

Charades in pyjamas

And with luck a spot of snow

Work is over

So is school

Time to party

And act the fool!

Biscuit: New Fox's Chocolatey (Dark Choc and Raspberry Mousse)
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Waitrose in Lymington

I can't believe my Mince Pies!

It's Christmas again
and we're raising money for Headway
we have a mince pie mountain
to eat our way through
and a vat of mulled wine to sup too.

We've donned our hats,
don't be a Scrooge
get out your wallets
and buy some food!

Headway's a great charity
and a good cause
so give generously
like Santa Claus.

Thank you to all those who made mince pies. We made a cool £120.

DSOH (Dry Sense of Humour)

Our inspiration's run dry
(not for the first time)
we're in the Sahara of ideas,
as arid as the Atacama,
as desolate as Death Valley,
as dusty as a dust bowl
home to the desert dry wit
of Sandi Toksvig,
the deadpan comic spirit
of Jack Dee,
but not to the far from dry,
sweat soaked Lee Evans.
This poem's so dry,
we don't need to hang it on the line,
spin it in the dryer,
lay it on the radiator,
or drape it on the aga -
suddenly our inspiration's on fire...

Biscuit: Chocolate Chip Cookies (very dry!)
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Denmark