The Greatest Show-off on Earth

Barnum took the animals from the zoo
And taught them to perform in public view.
Tigers, seals, hippos, koalas and elephants too,
The pride of lions that made him proud,
All these creatures entertained the crowd.
For taming the big cats he had a real good tip
To wave his chair and crack his whip.

If children grew bored and began to frown,
He’d introduce Zippo the clown.

There's a sucker born every minute, so he said,
But Barnum himself wouldn’t let fame turn his head.
He ran his business with a purpose,
While ringmaster Trump has turned his whole show into a circus.
He may say the Mexicans and Africans are slackers,
But all his ideas are, just like these biscuits, crackers.

Biscuits: Barnum's Animals

Taste test:3 out of 10

Cost: $3.50 from Danny's Deli in New York City

Random Headway Blues

Woke up this morning with the mid-winter blues,
Turned on the radio, cheesed off with the news.

Youngsters with guns and knives
Stealing innocent lives.

Putin takes a dip in the ice,
He’s built up his army and that ain’t nice.

One war in Syria, that ain’t enough,
Now the Turks have cut up rough.

MPs asleep in the House,
Desmond Swayne impossible to rouse.

These Tories are clueless
On the state of the NHS.

So don’t even think of getting ill
While the ambulances stand still.

Police dogs with no leads to follow,
These government cuts are hard to swallow.

Woke up this morning with the January blues,
Rain on the path, holes in my shoes.

Skies are bleak and grey,
Ain’t going out today.

The weather’s a real delight,
Might even move to the Isle of Wight.

And if this song don’t make you blue
Just wait till you get Australian flu.

Woke up this morning with an ache in my head,
Turned off the radio, Went back to my bed.

Biscuits: Biscuit Barrel Assortment

Taste test:7 out of 10

Cost: 99p from Lidl in Totton

Guess the number

I come between two and four,
let's describe me a little bit more.
I'm half of six,
odd yet in my prime,
I'm also the square root of number nine.

The magic number; a hat trick,
this poem's not long
so have a guess, quick!

How many muskateers,
wishes, degrees,
coins in a fountain,
Beejees?

How many kings or wise men,
tenors, blind mice,
Charlie's Angels,
points for a win,
sides on a triangle?

I'm the holy trinity,
Tom, Dick and Harry,
french hens at Christmas,
strikes and your out!

If you haven't guessed me by now,
you must be thrice over the limit,
let's see,
mine's a triple
or maybe just a cup of tea.

Biscuits: All butter biscuit trio

Taste test: 8.2 out of 10

Cost: £1.86 from Waitrose in Lymington

Waitrose Boss Takes The Biscuit

The boss of Waitrose should be fired, 

As these biscuits leave us uninspired. 

Yet a generous coating of dark chocolate, 

Has made us realise they’re actually great. 

Full of fire and lots of spice, 

The ginger is what makes them nice. 

The crunchy middle is rather snappy,

It puts a smile on our faces and makes us happy. 

We’ve decided the boss can keep his job, 

And we’ll even reward him with a hobnob. 

Biscuits: Dark Chocolate Ginger Biscuits

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.65 from Waitrose in Lymington

---

Ringing in the New Year!

2018 is the year of the dog.
perhaps we'll stop chasing our tail
and optimism and hope will prevail.

Meghan and Harry
are planning to marry,
Will and Kate's third royal baby
will get us guessing names maybe.

The World Cup in Russia
and Winter Olympics in Seoul,
will get rival countries talking
and England will even score a goal

We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
just like Auld Lang Syne,
and everyone in every nation
will get along just fine.

Biscuits: Rings of Almond

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: A homemade gift from someone who is auditioning for Bake Off!