The Misteak - A Found Poem

We munched on dark chocolate digestives today, which obviously put us in a dark frame of mind. Perfect for our first stab at a found poem. Found poems take existing texts and refashion, reorder and refresh them into poetry. We were inspired by the writing of journalists Rebecca Armstrong http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/in-sickness-and-in-health-i-hope-that-one-day-hell-want-his-moose-head-again-9882195.html and Samuel Muston http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/features/love-to-eat-steak-heres-how-to-get-the-grill-of-your-dreams-9874005.html. Read their articles and then our poem (best enjoyed if read in a 1920's NY gangster voice).

If it's sticky or has any smell
have nothing to do with it.
It causes more confusion
than trigonometry.
Both were a bit off target.
I knew the meat at room temperature.
But what of the cooking?
We were in danger of running out of oxygen.
You should sell that stuff on eBay.
One day he'll want his head again.

Biscuit: McVitie's Dark Chocolate Digestives

Taste test: 10 out of 10 (quite simply the best)
Cost: Worth every penny from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Mer-wry Christmas Shopping Advice

Black Friday, Green Sunday, Cyber Monday.
If you're looking for a deal you'll be happy,
but you'd better watch out it might get scrappy!

Think before getting too materialistic.
In the panic and rush to find a bargain,
people have forgotten "Goodwill to all men".

If you don't want to feed the consumer machine.
Shop local, shop crafty, shop artisan, shop wise,
and don't believe the conglomerate lies.

Open your eyes to the harsh reality of Christmas.
When some have to choose to heat or to eat
whilst others spend the day alone on the street.

Just as the Angel Gabriel said
"Fear not, if all else fails,
you can always pop to the January sales."

Biscuit: Ryvita Original with Philadelphia Cream Cheese ('Wry' advice - geddit?)
Taste: 8 out of 10

Cost: 99p from Tesco in Brockenhurst

An Observation on Dogs

Dogs are loyal
Sheep dogs, shooting dogs, guide dogs, rescue dogs
Prince had only 3 legs,
he was friendly and colourful and kept falling over,
Dark and mysterious was treacle.

Dogs are fun loving animas,
they do smell bad though,
they have the stinkiest farts known to man.

Honey the German Shepherd was lovely,
but scared of Mandy's husband,
Colin and Polly were hilarious and fluffy,
Merlin the Jack Russell spent hours,
amusing himself by chasing his tail,
Molly was sent to the kennels because
she would eat everyones' shoes.

Dogs listen without comment and love without condition,
They are so energetic, full of love and affection.

Biscuit: Cadbury Mini Animals

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1.59 from Waitrose in Lymington

Hip to be Square

Today it's hip to be square
4 equal sides, 2 dimensional
Perfect to divide and share
To be square is to be conventional

Today it's hip to be square
4 lines of symmetry, 2 faces
Perfect to stack over there
Constructive tessellation
Building towers in different places

Biscuit: Rice Krispies Squares

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1.69 for 4 from Tesco in New Milton

Nude Korean Treats

Korean biscuit sticks, a food

With flavours so much more than good,

‘original’, ‘almond’ and ‘nude’

Although we do not wish to be rude.

When this blog began we did not foresee a

Day that we would eat biscuits from Korea.

They dissolve so sweetly in the mouth,

So we assume they’re from the south.

Sent from the Institute of Sejong,

On the plate they hardly lasted long.

We’d like to thank the language students there

For their gift, so generous and fair.

Three whole packets we ate in a trice.

We’re glad they were not from north of the border,

Where all they consume is a bowl of plain rice,

Where Kim and his cronies keep rigid order.

We hope they don’t follow our blog today,

And choose to send their next rocket our way.

Now we think we should end what we say

Before we get blown completely away.

Biscuit: Lotte Pepero

Taste test: 9.999 out of 10
Cost: A gift from the Institute of Sejong 

Making A Mint

From Lidl, assuming there’s no fiddle.

Poor old Lloyds have almost no money.

Don’t you find that terribly funny.

Other banks are making a mint.

They’ve left the rest of us skint.

They’re so choc full of cash

They can’t hide their huge stash.

Their managers feel no stress

They’ve followed the rules of RBS.

Like Fred the Shred they live so well

And leave the rest of us to rot in hell.

The staff will come off worst, we bet,

As the black horse gallops into the sunset.

Short and sweet like this biscuit.

Our accountant, Jegan, has worked out

The proportion of chocolate in it.

Eighty nine per cent or just about.

Biscuit: Mister CHOC  Crispy Mint Choco Chips 

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: Cheap as chips from Lidl in Totton

Happy Birthday

Today is someone's birthday,
is it your's today?
Are you celebrating
or will you hide away?
Are you happy to exist
adding wishes to your list,
or do you turn the other cheek
when offered a birthday kiss?

People are divided
into the celebrators and the nots,
those who won't tell a soul
and would rather it forgot,
and the others who like to
broadcast the fact,
who yearn to be pampered
and patted on the back.

However you choose to mark
the passing of your years,
be it with a party, cake or
a round of cheers.
Acknowledge the fact
that you're a year wiser,
ever closer to your obituary
in the local Advertiser.

Biscuit: DeBeukelaer ChocOle

Taste test: 9.9 out of 10
Cost: £1.39 from Waitrose in Lymington

Recycle (H)it

For us, this biscuit is not a hit,
if we had our way we'd recycle it.
We'd leave it, lonely, outside the gate,
post on Freecycle and patiently wait
for someone to take it to put on their plate.

But what if it were left for days on end?
Ignored, alone, without a friend,
abandoned outside like a social misfit,
'til a dog came along and took the biscuit.

Biscuit: Bahlsen Hit

Taste test: 1.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Anita from Poland via USA!

Bore bon

Do you remember?
when you were a child
poetry was just boring,
at the time when your imagination
was running wild,
it would start you snoring.

As you grow,
words have flow,
they take on meaning
and verse
speaks to you
with feeling.

As a juvenile
poetry fails to make you smile,
yet as an adolescent
it starts to make more sense
and hence,
gives you verbal wealth
to express yourself.

Poems provide words
when the tongue is tied
and emotions are running high.
Then the spoken word
doesn't sound so absurd.

Biscuit: Tesco Bourbon Cream Biscuits

Taste test: 8.9 out of 10
Cost: 49p from Tesco in Brockenhurst

October come she will

Mist shrouds the silver sun.

Leaves decay and crumble.

Like this chipped choc cookie.

Or a song by Simon and Garfunkel.

Light fades at six and seven.

The air is bleak and chill with cold.

God has deserted his heaven.

‘A love once new has now grown old.’

Biscuit: Fairglobe Cranberry Cookies

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: Anonymous gift 

Pick up.....

Pick up your toys
Shouted Mum to her boys,
Pick up your feet
Said Seb Coe to Mo,
Pick up my prescription
Croaked Granny to her first son,
Pick up a Penguin
Claimed McVities 'bout their biccies,
Pick up a date
Leered Larry to his mate,
Pick up a pick up truck
Screamed the chorus to Truckasaurus,
Pick up that wrapper
ordered Dad to his whippersnapper.

Biscuit: Bahlsen Pick Up!

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Waitrose in Lymington

Scotch Mist: Take it or leave it.

O dear, bonnie Scotland,

Lowland, Highland, your own sweet land.

In or out?  Yes or no?

Do you really wish to go?

We believe that it’s your right

To decide this question,

But we hope that the result

Does not cause you indigestion.

If you wish to make the break

Then do so for your own sake.

We will miss your clear spring water,

Your sweet, sugary shortcake.

Arbroath Smokies and your wild, fresh salmon,

Your mountains and your lochs, each make

Of whisky, such as Famous Grouse,

Oh and all that keen financial nous.

We will miss your salted porridge,

Perhaps not the haggis or the neap,

Nor do we want a passport check

At the gate of Edinburgh’s keep.

Remember what you sow you reap.

It’s best to look before you leap.

We will miss those lilting names,

McDonald and McGinnes, MacLeod,

Johnstone and McFadyen,

Even Brown and Blair, clans that, mostly, make you proud.

Without the blue on the union flag

It will look just like a wretched rag.

No longer will we ignore our northern border,

Or climb the steep and jagged ben,

Or lie beside a clear and crystal burn

That rushes through a grassy glen.

Remember too there’s no way back

If you head down that lonely track.

We will miss your football teams,

Stirling that rhymes with curling.

Where the hell are Motherwell,

East Fife and Brechin, Forfar and Elgin?

Perhaps you’d prefer more devolution

To such a dread and drastic solution.

Never more will we watch the eagle soar,

Fly-fish along the Tweed or Tay,

Beat out the grouse across the moor,

Where the heather mourns in dark decay.

We will miss your monster from Loch Ness,

But perhaps, rather less, your bank at RBS.

Now that we come to think about it

Perhaps it’s really for the best

If we go our separate way.

You take your high road and put it to the test.

Follow the shoal.  Ride the tide.  Drift away.

Go, with the salmon and the sturgeon, way out west.

Biscuit: Duchy Originals Highland All Butter Shortbread

Taste test: 9.4 out of 10
Cost: £1.49 from Waitrose in Lymington

Desperate Danish Waffle

Danish is for pastries and bacon
Everyone loves wonderful Copenhagen
No one can surpass Schmeichel's saves
Mystical mermaids languish in nordic waves
A country built upon lego foundations
Ransacking vikings invading all nations
Killing the king led to Hamlet's orations

Biscuit: Franske Vafler

Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Tom's day trip to Denmark 

Crumbs of Comfort

Summer's lease is over
The holidaymakers have returned to Dover
Children trudge back to school
MPs resume playing the fool

Like these biscuits
Summer crumbles to dust
and our bank accounts
are empty and bust

As stumps are drawn
And old cricketers retired
Football fans flock to the terraces
Whilst managers are hired and fired
And the transfer window closes
As petals fall from the roses

We look both back and forward in September
A time to prepare and remember
Yet life is what happens
When you're busy making a plan
So lose the calendar and pens
And enjoy this Indian Summer while you still can

Biscuit: Prinzen Rolle Mehrkorn

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Jo's holiday on Sylt - a German Island