Unidentified Flying Objects

[For maximum enjoyment please read in squeaky alien voice]

Greetings strange beings
we come in pieces
(because Lee dropped us on the floor)
and give you tidings of
close encounters of the biscuit kind

We hail from planet New Milton
head quarters of the inter-galatic alliance
Nan oo, Nan oo
We're breaking up......
(because Lee dropped us on the floor)

Our space craft
zooms at warp speed nine
we are extraterrestrial
Lee tried to clingon
(but he dropped us on the floor)

Beam us up Scotty
our mission is accomplished
we hoped for earthling domination
but they ate us
(just before Lee dropped us on the floor. AGAIN)

Biscuit: Hellema UFO

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Poundstretcher in New Milton

Nuts about Shakespeare

If biscuits be the food
of thought for our
poetic verse

which fine ingredients
sparked the fire
of our desire
to converse

with you our
friends, Romans, countrymen,
O whose attention
we seek to nurse?

T'was the nuts
that drove us to this brink.
Can Shakespeare's curse
ever be reversed?

Biscuit: Milka choco cookies with NUTS

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: A gift from the mountains of Austria

Do models eat biscuits?

Twiggy's to blame
all the models look the same
emaciated and thin
their biscuits go straight in the bin
(so they can fit in
those size zero dresses
with the lacy trim)

Kate Moss is a waif
whose lips won't touch a wafer
Cara Delevingne
eschews every custard cream
Posh Spice resists
designs on the cinnamon twist

Karl LagerFELT no remorse and never will.

Biscuit: Fox's Caramel and Hazlenut Caffe Thins

Taste test: 7.5 out of 10
Cost: £1 per box from Tesco in New Milton

Don’t Slate This Biscuit

Broad as basalt blocks,

far from a ginger thin,

this fairing comes from a box

that really should be a tin.

As hard as granite,

Like a rock, just solid.

A storm in a teacup

and it starts to break up.

Explodes with a bang,

With a spicy, sandy tang,

dissolves like fudge

to creamy coloured sludge.

Poor Cornwall wind damaged,

wave ravaged,

an island of shale

no longer connected by rail.

And also this solo gem:

Ollydaymaking

I was so stressed out

I needed a vacation

Cornwall was my destination
And I haven’t a Kernow.

Biscuit: Cornish Fairings

Taste test: 8 out of 10

Cost: A present from Lee