What am I?

I'm spicy
and feisty
I have a tan
like I've been tan-goed
My fixed grin
stops me going back in the tin
I'm androgynous
yet gorg-e-ous
Do I feak you out, maybe?
because I look like a biscuit jelly baby?
Grandmothers bake me for Christmas treats
Kids bite my head and my feet
What am I?

Biscuit: Tesco's Gingerbread Men
Taste test:  7 out of 10
Cost: Christmas gift

#TimPeake

Major Tim Peake
Will be breaking a record this week,
he's the first male Briton ,
EVER .
to grace space.

He blasted off at 11:03
GMT,
no doubt dreaming of a mug
of proper brewed tea.

He'll be joining fellow astronauts
on the rocket SOYUZ,
if he doesn't make it back
it will be a field day for the lawyers.

We applaud the giants steps
he's taking to INFINITY and beyond,
we hope the mission's genuine
and we're not sat here being conned.

You're a brave man Tim,
quite unique,
zooming in a rust-bucket that's, let's face it, antique,
we wish you LUCK and safe return,
upon re-entry don't let those nostril hairs burn.


Biscuit: Nairn's Astro Bites
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: £1.59 from Ocado

Bad Taste

What a waste
these biscuits take the biscuit
for bad taste

Unlike Marmite
there was no love - just hate
now we're feeling sorry
we put them on our plate

Bad taste lingers on the palate
just like the clothes of Timmy Mallet
or the xenophobic views of Donald Trump
and despicable rants of Fury - the chump

Like the bribes taken by the FIFA elite
or the water spider celeb Ferne managed to eat
bad taste is everywhere - out and about
especially at Xmas with the brussel sprout.

Biscuit: O Hawaii Tropical Crisps
Taste test:  0.5 out of 10
Cost: A bad taste gift!

Global Warning

Christmas spices warm our heart
whilst the ozone layer is torn apart
open fires are part of festive traditions
yet they're adding to global carbon emissions

politicians in Paris
are discussing global warming
whilst India and China's power stations
should come with a health warning

the ice caps are melting
causing the sea to rise
all this pollution
will be the human demise

this is a subject to be taken seriously
otherwise mankind will have no destiny
we must open our eyes and see
let's face it, there's no planet B

Biscuit: Dark Chocolate Ginger Cookies
Taste test:  9 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Tesco in Brockenhurst