Oh Christmas Tree

X

Marks

A special

Spot where the

Tall tree's starry fairy

Rests on the pointy pinnacle

Expecting

Emmanuel

Biscuit: Forest Fruit and Raisin Slices

Taste test: 2 out of 10 - we certainly won't be pining for them!
Cost: £1.10 from Asda in Totton

A Christmas Caramel - Scrooge's recipe for festive fun

One: needles falling from a pine tree.

Two turkey twizzlers.

Three rain-drenched dreary reindeer.

Four ridiculous round robins.

Five broken bulbs.

Six slushy, stifling soaps.

Seven solid, Stollen slices.

Eight egregious elves.

Nine noxious noggins.

Ten tedious, time-wasting films.

Eleventh-hour Christmas Eve shopping.

Twelve o’clock, New Year’s Eve,

Alone and nowhere to go.

Happy Humbug.


Biscuit: Fox's Chocolatey Caramels

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost:  Gift from Olly, he couldn't resist them.

Belgian Banter

This week's biscuits are from Belgium
by their awesomeness we were struck dumb
the effect of them was quite narcotic
they left us feeling comfortably numb

Belgium, the land of chocolatiers
Tin Tin and Stella Artois beers
As a land it may not carry much clout
but we thank them gladly for brussel sprouts

Jean Claude Van Damme is their meaty main man
the muscles from Brussels with the glowing tan
Famous flemish females are few and far between
with, of course, the exception of Mathilde their noble queen
Wait......
Anita's just had a post biscuit epiphany
of course there's always Audrey from Breakfast at Tiffany's

We'll end this ditty with the demise of Hercule Poirot
the famous Belgian detective hero
just like us, he had to go.

Biscuit: Benim'O and Tutku 

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: Free, a gift from our mate Richard

Scraping the Barrel - a biscuit sonnet

Matt West, Southampton's first Poet Laureate for Children ran a poetry workshop for us today (photo by Clair Anderson). We were tasked with writing a sonnet about broken biscuits. First we learnt all the sonnet rules and then broke them! Here's what we came up with.....


In the end does it really matter
if the biscuits are broken in pieces?
Too many of them will still make you fatter
on your platter with chorizo and cheeses.

This crumb on my plate, to me is a misfit,
it takes away the pleasure of busting my biscuit.
A broken biscuit is a reject left on the shelf,
with no other company apart from itself.

But Paul likes the irregular jigsaw fit
and Lee the malty-cultural mosiac blend.
You never quite know what you are going to get
or how the crumbly experience will end.

Dust to dust, ashes to ashes, who really cares if the biscuit smashes.
Every biscuit is destined to break up and shatter
In the end does it really matter?

Rocky

He's the last known survivor
boxes to the beat of the Eye of the Tiger
doggedly dodging and weaving
in the American dream he's forever believing

A pugilist,
annihilating opponents with his fist
the towel won't get thrown in
he'll get back up and fight to win

He's a biscuit munching boxing machine
chomps on caramel, sometimes cream
sneaks a 'Sly' nibble in between bouts
ding ding seconds out

The one and only Stallone, stood alone
victorious on his own
never gives up hope
even when slumped on the ropes

The knockout king
of the canvas ring
always ready to risk it
especially for a Rocky biscuit

Biscuit: Rocky (we tried caramel and molten caramel - both good but molten best)

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Asda in Southampton

We Remember - A Collection of Remembrance Poems

Today we eschewed the biscuit in favour of the poppy as inspiration. 


War by Jegan

As we remember, those who to be frank, gave everything.
Not just their lives but their futures too.
Who is this message addressed to anyway? Survivors?
Is there a goal in War?


Poppy by Olly

The poppy used to symbolise
The death of Tommy and his demise,
But also grown in far of lands,
For uses that are not so grand.

The history is quite ying and yang,
As England's where it all began.
The Victorians greed for laudanum,
Now mass produced in Afghanistan,
Where we fight the Taliban.

Ironically used to represent
The men who died in Flanders,
The soldiers and commanders.

This beautiful flower,
Has so much power,
To evoke feelings of patriotism,
And the misery of addiction,
Which is no joke.


Why Me? by Terry

Why should I go abroad to die?
Why should I sacrifice my life for a lie?
Why should I travel that far to breathe my last?
Why should I fight those who have never been defeated in the past?

A man who never wanted to kill,
A man who could just about pay his gas bill,
Leave me alone, my life to fulfill,
After all the enemy bore me no ill,
Aren't they humans after all?

Why fight one another at someone's will?
Give a thought to those at home,
Love ones and children left alone.

Soldier by Peter

If I were to die
would you think this of me
that here a piece of me may lie
blown on a wave of heat and dust
because I stepped so daintily,
so gingerly upon an IED.

When I come to die
will you think this of me
that here the heart of me may lie
as my swathed and belted body breaks and splits apart
because when you and all of yours depart,
these mountains and this swamp are still my country.

In the Name of ...... by Shan

When a soldier fires his gun,
the deed has already been done,
the lazy greed of grasping MPs,
in their will that has been decreed.

The snivelling faceless pushers at the MOD,
blood spilt flows from their pens,
the heroic troops sweating out their lives,
worthless apologetic letters can never make amends.

As our men wearily tread in a combative dance,
those in power recline in blissful ignorance,
for their country the lionhearted risk life, future and limb,
their deaths appear as numbers on a cheap piece of newsprint.


A No Go Area by Jamie

The blood stained mud that clung to my boots
and the stench of human decay
bits and pieces of soldiers, all good,
around me lay.

Such sorrow and pain, and my heavy heart,
their emotions now all gone,
the faces of my comrades in arms
so sad, so forlorn.

I do not wish to feel or understand
the death and destruction that covers the land 
nor a wish and a prayer from a dying man's lips.
What has happened to humanity? I'd say it has flipped.


Contemplating Remembrance Sunday Lunch by Jo 

As I sit, squashed in, bottom numb on the hard pew
My mind wanders; thoughts of lunch, gravy browning, potatoes too few?

The sombre tones of an army cadet break through my reverie,
Her voice honours the names of the dead unapologetic, deafeningly.

"1914: Large, Herbert; Crabb, Thomas; Browning, Arthur; Large, Alfred."
"1915: Potts, George; Large, George; Smith, James; Large, Bill."

The Large family mourned a loss too huge to comprehend,
Four vital sons, left dead on battlefields, an agonising end.

How their mother coped with her pain, I wish I knew,
Did her thoughts wander to gravy browning, potatoes and sons too few?

Going Down A Storm

As the wind twists and whirls

And its strength unfurls

We taste melts and swirls,

Ardens’ bites and curls.

Divine with wine,

A tease with cheese.

A treat to scoff

With your warming broth.

Risky with whisky,

Tasty with pastry.

Oh my gosh,

So very posh.

Nice to nosh

With champagne, if you’ve the dosh.

Iconic with a gin and tonic,

A delight to bite.

Wouldn’t go amiss in Putney

With pickle and chutney.

Your mouth would water and dribble

If your pub served these as a nibble.

Moreish in a dish.

Will cheer up the flattest beer.

Handy with shandy,

A soak in a coke.

But don’t be in a hurry

To eat them with curry.

A treat to chew

As the gale blew.

Comfort food

To cope with St Jude.

A big thank you to Ardens for their generous box of savoury treats.

Biscuit: Ardens Twists, Curls, Bites, Melts and Swirls

Taste test: 9.6 out of 10
Cost: A gift - yipeeeee!

No More Mr Nice Guy

As you stand tonight with sparklers in hand,
Spare a thought for Guys across the land,
As they're tossed upon their funeral pyres,
Ready to be consumed by raging fires.

Symbols of a yorkshire papist,
An ill-fated anarchist,
Way ahead of his time,
Who failed to complete his heinous crime.

408 long years ago,
Guido Fawkes hit an all time low,
When in his wisdom he did try,
To blow king and parliament sky high.

The gunpowder plot never caught fire,
Guy's quartered corpse was left in the mire,
With today's government causing the nation such pain,
Shall we get him back to try all over again?

Biscuit: Paterson's Shortbread and Biscuit Assortment

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: a penny......

NB: The Scottishness of the shortbread got us thinking about James I (also James VI of Scotland)  and his near downfall at the hands of Guy Fawkes

Carry On Seeing Double

These double choc digestives
have left us with double vision,
we feel like we've downed a double whiskey
and are waiting for the transition,
into our coffee we've poured double cream
looking so sharp in our double denim.

Setting out on a double decker
to meet our double date,
'Drive on at the double!',
we're in double trouble if we're late
for our mixed doubles tennis match,
double love we hope to catch.

Now nestling in the double bed
Each discard their Double D!
Here beneath the double duvet
we're heading into double jeopardy,
time to revel in double exposure
let's double up and find sweet closure.....

Biscuit: McVitie's Double Chocolate Digestives

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

The Biscuit Bards

The Biscuit Poets made a flying visit to Shakespeare's Globe this week to seek poetic enlightenment and inspiration.

Upon participating in an energetic workshop  we were encouraged to channel our inner Titania or Oberon - yes, you guessed it,  Midsummer Night's Dream. The highlight was definitely the moment when Gary (in red above) called to Jo (next to him) "Ill met by moonlight proud Titanic" - I'm sure Shakespeare himself would have preferred Titania's new name, very fitting. Wilf and Shan also wowed us with there incredible rendition of Oberon and Titanic's initial meeting - all the world is definitely a stage where they are concerned!

As you can imagine we were too busy to even munch a biscuit, let alone compose verse about one but fear not fair ladies and nasty knaves we will return fresh from our Shakespearean exploits to woo you with our words next week.

Love

The Biscuit Bards x

Terza Rima Biscotti

This poem is written in Terz Rima - a 3 line stanza form, borrowed from the Italian Poets (e.g.Dante). For those of you who want to have a go, the rhyming scheme is aba, bcb, cdc, ded etc.

Mattina gli amanti biscotto (Good morning biscuit lovers),
Try this almondy biscuit dunked in coffee,
'Suck it and see' is our motto.

We hope you like our verse so lofty,
Enigmatic like the Mona Lisa's smile,
As she chews on her italian biscuit not so soft, si?*

Italy is famous for its style and fashion;
Gucci, Valentino, Versace and Prada,
They use clothes to expresso their passion.

Fast cars fuel the signorina's ardour.

Ferrari, Lamborghini, what could be hotter,

while their macho menfolk, and this biscuit, just grow harder.

*She didn't bank on the almonds within, and ended up with a toothless grin.


Biscuit: Arden & Amici Almond and Chocolate Chunk Biscotti

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £2.49 from Waitrose in Lymington

Twix star-crossed lovers

Today's creative writing session was centred around Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream. During our break we munched on half a Twix each and decided to dig deep and release our inner bards. The resulting poem is definitely a work in progress - it was a tricky task after all! 

If you would like to contribute a line please do, just comment, tweet, or message us on Facebook.

The difference twix day and night;
one is dark the other bright,

like the enduring love twix Helena and Demetrius
cunningly coerced by her Father, Egeus,

or Queen Titania in slumber on grass
awakening to feel love twix her and an acting ass,

whilst the four star crossed lovers stumbled twix fog and mist
Yearning for the course of true love to end in a kiss,

latterly the forest fairies pranced and sang their song
as Puck tried to undo his confusion twix right and wrong.

If you fail to understand our poetic theme,
take heed, it's based on Midsummer Night's Dream.


Biscuit: Twix biscuit fingers (4 x 50g)

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost:  £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Lost (thirty two random words in search of a poem)

Each poet contributed two words in return for a biscuit and then we tried to make some sort of poem from them.  As you will see, it proved tricky.

Lorna was one of our dedicated and much-valued volunteers.

Last week we lost lovely Lorna

Who returned to Devon,

At least for a while,

But left this crunchy taste of heaven.

Last week too Jose Mourinho,

Lost his special wolfish smile

And now looks like an anorexic hippo.

Last week too neither West Ham

Nor our very own Southam-

-pton lost their even match.

Neither Lambert nor Noble

Proved the least bit able

To score a goal from scratch.

We are at a loss how to include

Such words as ignition, prelude

And anti-disestablishmentarianism.

Thank you, Jamie, for such exhibitionism.

Anita too is love-lorn and lost,

With Backstreet Boys star-crossed,

AlthoughTerry doesn’t give a toss.

The Intercity Firm belong among the lost

Now Sam Allardyce is their boss,

And Jon and Olly also are quite cross.

As poets we are altogether at a loss

How to mend and end this verse

So what if we arrange a return

For one muddy hippopotamus,

Brown and ready for the circus,

Or maybe we should just crash and burn.

But now it’s really time to cease

And for this restless poem to rest in peace.

So thank you, Lorna, for choosing to donate

This marvellous, honeycomb chocolate.

Biscuit: Cadbury's Crunchie Biscuit

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost:  Parting gift from Lovely Lorna

Hello Panda?

It's not black and white
that a panda cub will make
history in Scotland this week,
Tian Tian's hormone levels are at a peak
as are our hopes - we're awaiting a tweet.

The panda-cam shows Yang Guang
pacing like an expectant father
agitated and mad
that he's not yet a proud dad.

Giant Panda's are on the brink
of being extinct
less than 2000 remain in the wild we think.
This explains Edinburgh's obsession
with panda gestation
a mammalian craze
that has swept the scottish nation.

So is she or isn't she?
Brian thinks not
but the rest of us poets
are an optimistic lot
(apart from Olly who thinks it's folly).

We predict a riot
shortly at Edinburgh zoo
a baby panda will be born
time to stock up on bamboo!

Biscuit: Hello Panda

Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: 4.60 RM, Kota Kinabalu airport in Borneo.

Let's Be Syria-ous

President Assad

will be glad

that the UN won't intervene

in Syria's chaotic scene

'cos Vladimir Putin

has been disputin'

and put the boot in

First he wants the weapon inspectors

to detect the

chemical threat

it was decided when Kerry and Putin met

But unlike our biscuit

the Syrian people can't breakaway

many wanted air strikes

to end their plight

so they could put down their arms

and not have to fight

Now they're left

waiting, anticipating

contemplating their fate,

even more drawn into war

and WHAT FOR?

Biscuit: Breakaway

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Ode to Tom, Nell, Bill and Jo

Oh sweet, biscuity Jo
we did not know
just what to write,
but then we found
your auburn hair
shining in the summer light,
fresh in the morning air
with the bright dew all around

We can see you in the jungle,
machete in hand,
trekking with Tom,
the Borneo wild man,
Bill and Nell,
part of your band,
with stomach aches
and twining snakes.

Enjoy your vacation
from your vocation
in public relations
and poetic recitations

But since you've been away
our work has gone gingerly astray.
So now it's time to hurry back,
time to get our poems back on track.
We need your warming, spicy glow
To ginger up our words and make them flow.

Biscuit: Waitrose Stem Ginger Biscuits

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1.75

Jo's on a break... so we're having cake!

Jo is off on her summer break,
We are sick of biscuits, so let's have some cake.
A banana cake that tasted great,
It should be an award-winning bake.

A tasty treat that we love to scoff,
its far better than watching the British Bake-Off.
John should receive the Turner Prize
as the cake disappeared before our very eyes.

While the baking craze sweeps the nation,
We're salivating over John's creation.
Packed with squidgy banana and juicy sultana,
this could take us to taste bud nirvana.

With thanks to John T for our tasty surprise,
Cake is a great treat but we can't tell lies,
Our rebellion is only for a week, we cannot disguise,
We love biscuits, they are our pride.

Biscuit: Banana Cake

Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: Free, made by John Turner

HuRraH it's a boy!

Hear ye all subjects of the realm,
This prince one day will take the helm.
Born yesterday at half past four,
A healthy 8lbs 6, who could ask for more?

Although a week late, it was worth the wait
for all the public at the palace gate.
The Duchess of Cambridge was delivered of a son
Today he's front page of "The Son" - what fun!

The princeling was born fit and healthy,
A golden boy, powerful and wealthy.
What name will be bestowed on him,
Shall it be "All hail King Tim"?

Or Arthur, Andrew, Philip or Olly,
Nay a republican choice would be such folly.
George is the name we think they'll choose,
This is a bet we just can't lose.

P.S. WillKat, can we have an O.B.E. once you've read our poetry?

Biscuit: McVities Gold Bars

Taste test: 9.8 out of 10
Cost: £1.59 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Kit Kat Kricket

Kit Kat
Shout "How's Zat!"
Did the ball clip the bat?

Just 15 runs to win
The pressure's on for extra spin
A hot spot shows the merest touch
For poor old Brad it's all too much

Oh Aussies, with your smart green caps
Such gentle, kindly, sporting chaps
We Biscuit Poets mourn for you
As you're beaten by young Cookie's Crew.

Biscuit: Nestle Kit Kat

Taste test: 10 out of 10 (Four fingers is best but we love the Chunkie too)
Cost: From everywhere!

An Ace Poem for Andy. Anyone for Tennis?

Our biscuit today comes from South West Nineteen

where the tennis that fills our screen can be seen.

Beside the head office of Lidl UK

We can watch the contestants at play.

It’s a chocolate caramel shortcake,

Ideal between sets or a tense tie-break.

Wimbledon reaches its second week

and most of the famous seeds have lost out.

The trophy is there for Andy to seek.

We hope he gives that Serb a clout.

He’s yet to face his old foe Djokevic,

But we’re sure he’ll beat the son of a bitch*.

Fancied Federer, knock- kneed Nadal,

both favourites, at first hurdles fell.

Slipping Sharapova, disputing every call,

grunting grimly, could hardly return a ball.

The lanky Russian created such a racket.

It turned out she couldn’t really hack it.

Between Maria and Serena, there’s no love lost,

Miss Williams held the first advantage,

but despite her strength and courage,

she found so soon and to her cost

that when it comes to a final booming serve,

surely and serenely, you should hold your nerve.

Across the net the ball flies to and fro

The rally starts to pick up pace

When the match is tight, the deuces flow.

We like the player who can lose with grace,

Just like almost every wretched Brit.

No- one has the skill, the balls, the grit.

Even lovely Laura let us down.

That only leaves old Andy, with his frown.

Fred Perry won the last men’s British ace.

Murray, we all hope will finally save face.

He’s still on course to fulfil his dream

To become, like this biscuit, simply supreme

*An Apology

We like you really, Novak,

and can say for a fact

that Anita thinks you such a dish

that for no other would she wish,

and though you too can truly play,

for a tricksy rhyme all else gives way

Biscuit: Tower Gate Indulgent Chocolate Caramel Shortcakes

Taste test: 8 out of 10 - notice how the packaging is in Wimbledon colours!
Cost: From Lidl in Totton (very inexpensive).

Porkies

As a pig I'm much misunderstood
and I'm not one of those patrolling your neighbourhood!

You say I'm dirty and smelly
while you savour a plate of my pork belly,

Surely my bangers and rashers you'd sorely miss
if they did not feature in your Full English,

You think I'm taboo, I'm unclean
that my eyes are small and mean

Yet I'm celebrated with delight
by George Orwell and E.B. White,

Your children adore my celebrity set
Babe, Miss Piggy, Peppa and Piglet,

How can you say my snout's in the trough
when it's bankers and traders who can't get enough?

I could be your friend, I could be your lover
or maybe just a pig - undercover.



Biscuit: Percy Pig

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £2 from Marks and Spencer in Lymington

Heat Me, Eat Me, CHEAT ME cookies

To be frank we're incensed
these biscuits are shrouded in pretence
yes they emancipate the kitchen worker
yet discourage baking and promote the shirker
this half baked idea clouds supermarkets with shame
a crass time saving effort so hopelessly lame
unlike the sad substitute discussed above
a just baked warm cookie is a labour of love
life is accelerating we need it to slow
wake up Tesco and smell the fresh cookie dough

Biscuit: Hazlenut Heat Me, Eat Me Cookies

Taste test: 4 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in New Milton

Un Macaronic Biscuit Mash Up

Le petit beurre
French nom de guerre
their ubiquitous biscuit
take a bite and risk it
a buttery sensation
of gallic persuasion
compliments cafe au lait
avec du sucre s'il vous plait
une grande tradition
now we need l'addition
could have been a solution
to the French Revolution
if Marie Antoinette had said
"let them eat biscuits" instead.

Biscuit: Le Petit Beurre

Taste test: 9.7 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Peter from France :)

Biscuit Poetry hits the Ejector Seat Festival!

We are all of a dither at Headway this week as our big moment approaches. Saturday will see Karl, Terry, Shan, Lee, Olly, Jamie and Jegan (aka the Biscuit Poets) performing in the Spoken Word tent at the Ejector Seat Festival 2013 (please, please click the link and scroll down as you will see our name in lights - kind of!)

To be honest we have been so busy perfecting our polished performances that we haven't had a chance to write a biscuit poem - though be assured we have eaten plenty of biscuits to keep our energy up.

Please come along and support us at Palmerston Park in Southampton this Saturday 8th June. We are on at 4:45pm straight after Dizraeli who is just about the biggest, most talented performance poet on the scene at the moment - aaaargh, scary) and Luke Wright who is the second biggest and really rather good.

We promise normal biscuit poetry service will be resumed again next week unless we become to big for our boots after our star performance......

Eurovision Sing-o-alla

Singoalla are today's delectation of choice
Swedish biscuits with a Eurovision voice.
Munched in Malmo by the euro conglomeration,
devoured with gusto by every pop nation.

Sing, sing, sing-o-alla
sang the Danes with teardrops in their eyes
as they wowed the crowd
and claimed their Eurovision prize

Oh dastardly Denmark,
victorious you came through,
Poor Bonnie Tyler
only a few believed in you....


Biscuit: Goteborgs Singoalla 

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Kristina from Sweden :)

The Biscuitology of Brain Injury

This week is Action for Brain Injury Week. Please show your support for Headway by making a small donation. 

Just click on the Just Giving logo to donate.

Morning Coffee biscuits
are caffeine injections for my voice
propelling me to talk about brain injury
how it changed my life and took away choice

When a bomb goes off in your head
people say "you're lucky you're not dead"
yet with all the turmoil hidden inside
I know, on that day I wish I'd died

The fear and the pain in the eyes of my family
were part and parcel of the unfolding tragedy
the constant confusion of being alive
battled to suffocate my will to survive

Now it's hard to find the right person to love
although I would and could -
but can't
because the whole damn world exists on a slant

The person I am now is simplified
and I feel for once time's on my side
I'm on a journey - no desire to regret
Just tell me please, am I there yet?

Biscuit: Crawford's Morning Coffee

Taste test: 5 out of 10
Cost:  2 for £1 from Poundland in Shirley