Heat Me, Eat Me, CHEAT ME cookies

To be frank we're incensed
these biscuits are shrouded in pretence
yes they emancipate the kitchen worker
yet discourage baking and promote the shirker
this half baked idea clouds supermarkets with shame
a crass time saving effort so hopelessly lame
unlike the sad substitute discussed above
a just baked warm cookie is a labour of love
life is accelerating we need it to slow
wake up Tesco and smell the fresh cookie dough

Biscuit: Hazlenut Heat Me, Eat Me Cookies

Taste test: 4 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in New Milton

Club Osbourne

Today is the day of the budget

When the Chancellor gets busy with his boxes

When Osbourne sets out again to fudge it

And takes our money for his taxes – we begrudge it.

George Osbourne likes his Clubs.

One to munch on,

Another for luncheon,

A member of all the 'too much' clubs

The leader of the 'out of touch' club.

He will only cater for the elite Tory Boys club,

the rest of us peasants he will certainly snub.

Soon, like Cyprus there'll be no cash in the machines,

poor old Georgie Boy will have to come clean.

He doesn't live in our world

Where biscuit crumbs matter,

He's the king of the cats

And just keeps getting fatter.

Biscuit: Club Biscuit (we tried orange and mint - greedy!)

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost:  Jacob's Club Variety Pack (24 biscuits) £3.99 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Fox's Party Rings

These rings suggest to Olly

A party in 1973,

Six years old and running wild,

Such a sweet, angelic child.

Now this cardboard biscuit

Makes him want to curse,

And even far worse,

But not to write inspired poetic verse.

For Shan this biscuit brings

Circular thoughts of rings.

It might not be a wedding ring.

Perhaps some other kind of bling.

He thought of Bilbo and the Hobbit,

Though even Gollum wouldn’t want to rob it,

As this biscuit isn’t Lord of any ring

But just a cheap and tacky sugary thing.

Simon would rather pay a bill

Than swallow this bitter sweet pill.

Sandy liked the pastel shade

Although the biscuit failed to make the grade.

Hard and crunchy like a fiery Scot,

For Jamie it didn’t do a lot.

Simon J says icing’s nice but,

Sadly, the biscuit’s not.

The colours, we concede, they look attractive

But will make children hyperactive.

This biscuit’s done the trick.

We’ll all go home now, feeling sick.

Biscuit: Fox's Party Rings

Taste test: 3 out of 10 (but maybe we're just too old for them!!)
Cost: £1.09 from Tesco in New Milton

The light, the dark and the plain

[A digestive dilemma]

You may find milk chocolate digestives
so crunchy and crumbly and such a treat,
but to me their taste simply gives
a sense of excess. They are just too sweet.

But by contrast, I shall always desire
the more subtle plain chocolate digestive,
its dark and bitter and velvet attire,
its demeanour so suave and suggestive.

Biscuit: McVitie's Digestives - Dark Chocolate

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.75 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Celebrating Sweet Sue's Fabulous Fiftieth

[Sue is Headway Southampton's Finance and Admin Manager and so much more, without her we would all be lost - literally!]

Sue's the grand old age of fifty,
No wonder she's looking so shifty.
But she's not yet over the hill
like poor old Jack and Jill.

She sits in her office counting Headway's money,
her auburn hair flows down like honey.
She lets us in and out, a smile across her face,
like Sunday's child, she's full of grace.

Peter puts the kettle on, Sue can take it off again.
For falls and a broken head
She's better than all the king's men,
as in Humpty's rhyme it's said.

So thank you, Sue, lavender blue, for the caramel bite,
We hope so many candles didn't set your house alight.

Biscuit: 20 Caramel Crispy Bites (we only had 18, 2 had already been eaten)

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1.70 from Tesco (left over from Sue's party)

We love OBAMA more than biscuits

It's the presidential election today
votes will be cast across the USA
a cross in the box is all they can do
making a choice between red and blue.
It's a contest fought between two heavyweights
over who can win more of those crucial swing states
Hurricane Sandy gave Obama a boost
not to mention Jay-Z, Katy Perry and Bruce.
We think Mitt's a loser - he doesn't quite cut it
he should go home to Belmont and learn how to 'shut it'.

By the way
we must say
we had Malted Milks today
hooray!

Biscuit: Malted Milks

Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: 34p from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Ode to the Oreo

You look like the dark destroyer of teeth,
but there are hidden depths that lie beneath.
The hidden depths that lie below
the crunchy, creamy beauty that is OREO.
The perfect way to eat, we think,
is to twist and lick with a milky drink.

Biscuit: Oreo
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: 65p from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Garibaldi's last stand

Times were hard,

rations were thin,

soldiers were starving,
there was a war to win.

The cold was biting,

morale was low,

soldiers were starving,

progress was slow.

Italy was fractured,

General Garibaldi at a loss,

soldiers were starving,

there was a line to cross.

The General spoke out,
"Take this dough and mix it."

soldiers weren't starving,

they ate Garibaldi's biscuit.

Biscuit: Garibaldi Biscuits

Taste test: 4.5 out of 10

Cost: 89p from Tesco in the New Forest