Yule Tidings

T'was the week before Christmas
on a crisp winter's morn
2012 years after Jesus was born.

Santa was getting ready
his eleves were in tow
his reindeer were snorting, eager to go.

Many elves were poorly
and in great distress
the National Elf Service was really hard pressed.

But who will feed Rudolf
his 5 carrots a day?
He won't have the energy to pull Santa's sleigh.

Fear not here's Lidl's Choco Softies
a light marshmallow treat
they'll keep Rudolf moving 'til he lands on his feet.

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Biscuit: Choco Softies

Taste test: 7.3 out of 10
Cost: Not much, lost the receipt, but bought from Lidl so good value!

The light, the dark and the plain

[A digestive dilemma]

You may find milk chocolate digestives
so crunchy and crumbly and such a treat,
but to me their taste simply gives
a sense of excess. They are just too sweet.

But by contrast, I shall always desire
the more subtle plain chocolate digestive,
its dark and bitter and velvet attire,
its demeanour so suave and suggestive.

Biscuit: McVitie's Digestives - Dark Chocolate

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.75 from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Biscuit Poetry Noir

[A free packet of Cafe Noir to the first reader to spot all the Film Noir references]

With a name like Cafe Noir
you'd expect to meet Marlene at the bar,
to the 1950s these take us back
when the silver screen was white and black,
when film noir was the latest craze
and Bacall and Bogart were the stars of those days.

Without a coffee bean in sight
to name them Cafe Noir just isn't right.
With this old-fashioned icing/biscuit mix
there's no chance of getting your caffeine fix,
you won't hear the Postman ring at all
because into the Big Sleep you're sure to fall

Biscuit: McVities Cafe Noir

Taste test: 5.5 out of 10
Cost: £1.35 from Nisa Local

Celebrating Sweet Sue's Fabulous Fiftieth

[Sue is Headway Southampton's Finance and Admin Manager and so much more, without her we would all be lost - literally!]

Sue's the grand old age of fifty,
No wonder she's looking so shifty.
But she's not yet over the hill
like poor old Jack and Jill.

She sits in her office counting Headway's money,
her auburn hair flows down like honey.
She lets us in and out, a smile across her face,
like Sunday's child, she's full of grace.

Peter puts the kettle on, Sue can take it off again.
For falls and a broken head
She's better than all the king's men,
as in Humpty's rhyme it's said.

So thank you, Sue, lavender blue, for the caramel bite,
We hope so many candles didn't set your house alight.

Biscuit: 20 Caramel Crispy Bites (we only had 18, 2 had already been eaten)

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1.70 from Tesco (left over from Sue's party)

www.william wallace's wafer

Tunnock's caramel wafers are made near Glasgow
for those of you who'd like to know

It is fair to say that a Tunnock's
is the favoured biscuit of the Jocks
(William Wallace ate them with his kilt and his dreadlocks)
They help keep Scotland's economy at its peak
with 5 million bars sold every week

The Sassenachs think they taste quite spiffing
even though their emblem is a scottish griffin
Like Glenmorangie they're really popular
and just the same keep the scots folk jocular

Be sure to try, don't give them a miss
or else Jamie will give you a Glasgow kiss!

Biscuit: Tunnock's Caramel Wafer Biscuit

Taste test: 9.9 out of 10
Cost: £2.89 for 16 from Ocado 

Polished Off

Paluszki, Paluszki
they're polish not ruski,
our friend Richard brought them back
he's in the RAF, an important chap.

They didn't survive the journey well,
all crumbled and broken and as stale as hell.
Soft in texture, orange in taste,
enrobed in chocolate, they were eaten post haste.

Made by Krakuski, perhaps in Krakow [pronounced Krakoff],
It didn't take long to polish them off.

Biscuit: Paluszki

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: 3.75 zloty from Poland (thanks Rich)

We love OBAMA more than biscuits

It's the presidential election today
votes will be cast across the USA
a cross in the box is all they can do
making a choice between red and blue.
It's a contest fought between two heavyweights
over who can win more of those crucial swing states
Hurricane Sandy gave Obama a boost
not to mention Jay-Z, Katy Perry and Bruce.
We think Mitt's a loser - he doesn't quite cut it
he should go home to Belmont and learn how to 'shut it'.

By the way
we must say
we had Malted Milks today
hooray!

Biscuit: Malted Milks

Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: 34p from Tesco in Brockenhurst

Mikado Chocolate Sparklers

This October half-term, Jo left us a gift.

Mikado, a thin, straight straw of a biscuit.

One we all liked, a cracker and a sparkler,

although for us the chocolate could be darker.

Mikado, we thought the name was Chinese,

and the Chinese invented the gunpowder

that Guy Fawkes laid for a bang far louder.

Soldiers found him, with a match, on his knees.

Judges decided to string him up high.

Now all that remains is the shabby old guy,

ragged and stuffed, an ugly, grinning mask,

slumped by a wall where the children ask

for your money and mine.  Mikado, the name

it turns out, of a European game,

where the highest stick is the Japanese

ruler.  ‘Would you like another one?’  ‘Yes please.’

As for the biscuits, the poem Brian forgot

and if he could he’d have eaten the lot.

Biscuit: Mikado

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1.39 from Waitrose in Romsey

Toffy Pop:Trick or Treat?

On the eve of All Saints
the youth get busy with face paints,
ghosts, ghouls, goblins, warlocks,
witches and wizards run amok.
Casting spells wherever they roam,
hammering on doors to see if we're home.
Carving pumpkins, scary faced,
masked children giving chase.
Bobbing for apples, fork-in-mouth secure,
crafty and cunning the fruit to procure.
Halloween dark and sweet,
with Toffy Pops we looked for a treat.
Fake choc, cardboard base, they made us sick,
less of a treat, more of a trick!

Biscuit: Lyons Toffy Pops

Taste test: 4 out of 10
Cost: 99p from 99p Store in Lymington

We'd love to miss Hit biscuits

Hit biscuits hail from the Fatherland
they taste insipid and rather bland
Deutschland Deutschland uber alles
Despite their Geschmack we bear you no malice.

Angela Merkel we'll make a confession
these biscuits of yours won't solve your recession;
why not choose exports that promote your country?
like Bratwurst, Stollen, Mercedes and Audi.

No, not a hit, rather a definite miss,
we'd go so far as to boo and hiss
please stick to your Riesling, Blue Nun and beer
We don't want any of your kraut biscuits here :)

[PS No offence is meant, if taken then we repent!]

Biscuit: Bahlsen Hit

Taste test: 2 out of 10
Cost: 99p from Waitrose in Lymington

Viscount, Baronets and Miscounts

Most Viscounts are minted
with assets and land,
sat in their wallpapered mansions
with posh biscuits in hand.

Poor old George Osbourne he's only a baronet
as hereditary titles go he hasn't made it quite yet.
People are mourning, the nation is skint
take solace in these Viscounts with a sharp hint of mint.

Biscuit: Lyons Viscount Biscuits

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Poundland in Shirley

What is a puff?

a gentle wind on Blashford Lake
dragging on a cigarette for a break

a magic dragon from Honah Lee
a whispy cloud that you can barely see

a sound that's so evocative
of an old steam locomotive

a saucy siren who won't go on show
without her trusty powder puff glow

because the little pig's house was of sterner stuff
the big, bad wolf needed more than a huff

layers of pastry lightened with air
thank goodness these biscuits are oblong, not square

Biscuit: Blueberry Puff

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1.49 from M&S in Lymington

More Apples Please

Cox's, Gala, Russet and Braeburn,
Bramleys, Golden Delicious, for all apples we yearn.

Autumn sees apples falling from trees,
the onus on all to bake something to please.

Crumble, tart, turnover, biscuits, and pie,
Steaming puddings to catch Granny Smith's eye.

Red apple strudel to make a Pink Lady blush.
Apples to snack on when you're in a rush.

Everyone loves apples except for Snow White,
but you can't really blame her she got such a fright.

We're big apple fans as we're sure you can tell,
 we were certain these biscuits would go down so well.

Yet only 14% apple was really quite sad,
Go on, increase the apples and make us all glad.

Biscuit: Kex Apple

Taste test: 4 out of 10
Cost: £1.30 from Ikea

Why does a fig roll?

Why does a fig roll?
Because it's a biscuit.
Why does a mole live in a hole?
'Cos up a tree he'd be rather a misfit.
Why does an owl bow?
Because it's too wet too woo.
Why does a cow meow?
Because it's too purrfect to moo.

How does a gum whine?
Loudly 'cos life sucks!
How does a fish step out of line?
Quickly, desperate to avoid the ducks.
How does a foal bowl?
Awkward and skittley.
How does a fig roll?
With great difficulty.

Biscuit: Jacob's Fig Rolls

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1.66 from www.ocado.com

Wild West Wagon Wheel

[For maximum effect put on your best cowboy/girl drawl when reading this poem]

In 1948

Burtons did create

a biscuit that was wheely great

and rolled around the United States.

The wagon wheels keep turning

For them we are a yearn'in

John Wayne was the True Grit star,

whilst Calamity Jane whopped 'yeehah'.

Oh how we loved the Wild Wild West

where the cowboys were quite overdressed.

The wagon wheels keep turning

For them we are a yearn'in

Now we're older we've come to realise

the wagon wheel has shrunk in size

or maybe it's just we've smaller hands

and time is running away like sand.

The wagon wheels keep turning

For them we are a yearn'in

Biscuit: Burtons Wagon Wheels

Taste test: 8.75 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Tesco, Brockenhurst

Fantastic Mr Fox

[We are now such firm fans of Fox's biscuits, we just can't stop writing tributes to them -  free biscuits =  free poems, take note other biscuit companies!]


Dear Mr Fox

We puzzled long and hard
when we received that brown paper box.
At first, we figured that it
was sent by a friend of Cam
that she met across a biscuit.
Then we thought it just a scam
by Jo our busy biscuit muse.

We waited quite a while
before we rummaged in the parcel.
But now we've found
your generous gift
of creams and crunch,
and a poem full of menace
from John Wood or Wilmot,
your rakish PR man.

Even Olly who really
puts the boot in
says thanks a bunch
and for you, Mr Fox,
we'll all be rooting.

The Biscuit Poets

Fox's Surprise Biscwit Package

[On the 18th July we wrote a 'letter of complaint' poem about Fox's Chunkie biscuits - scroll down the blog to read it.  Shortly after we received a mystery package which sat waiting for us over the summer break - we think we must have ruffled some panda fur with our musings!]

The Surprise Package

We got a package four weeks ago
where it came from we did not know.
We sat down to open with a lift
this large, expensive brown paper gift

Peering inside we were surprised to see
a poem penned by gangland Panda Vinnie,
and a tin choc full of Fox's creams and crunches.
So many free biscuits, we won't eat our lunches

The Biscuit Poets

A barrel full of biscuits and laughs,
Fox's, you certainly don't do things by halves.
We're so sorry we sent your bakers reeling
we didn't intent to hurt their feelings

If Vinnie's gunning for us we ain't scared,
when he sends his boys we'll be prepared.
We'll duel with rhymes, with biscuits and tea,
so see you next Tuesday at nine thirty.


Vinnie's Poem 

Dear Biscuit Poets

It saddened me to read your rhyme
I chewed it over for quite sometime.

You dissed the Biscwits, you dished the dirt.
With heroic couplets, you sought to hurt

our trusty and hard-working bakers
and dedicated biscuit makers.

Maligning the folks in the kitchen
with your rantin' and your bitchin'.

Bad mouthing Fox's, that ain't good
Do I send The Boys round to your 'hood...?

They could arrange a little 'surprise'
So maybe you'll apologise

But in the meantime, accept from me
A barrel of Biscwits, completely free

Your's truly,

Vinnie. For and on behalf of Fox's

Plain Hobnobbing

What a wonderful job to consume a Hobnob

I could definitely stay after hours

With silky smooth chocolate, a temptress for sure

Such a sumptuous treat to devour

The dark chocolate robe belies what's below

This cookie's quite hardcore, not all is on show

She's crumbly and crunchy and tangles with your teeth

She's good news for the dentist. That's our belief

Biscuit: Dark Chocolate Hobnob

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1.20 Ringwood Waitrose

Fox's Jam ‘n Cream – The Perfect Team

It’s Jam ‘n Cream, what a dream

Reminds me of the British Olympic team

The crowds would go wild and scream

A short crust base

With lots of pace

It would win any biscuit race

Sweet and gooey

And not too chewy

It's top notch

The addition of the cream

Makes it seem

Like a posh jammy dodger

I’d run a long way to get one

I wouldn’t halt,

I’d even push past Usain Bolt

Biscuit: Jam 'n Cream

Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1.19 from Asda, Totton

McVitie's Quirky Medal Winner

Today we tried a McVitie's Quirk,

Then sat down to begin our work

On this, our biscuit poem.

'Very nice,' says Brian in his quiet wisdom.

Brittle surface, crunchy and short,

With a soft, dark, melting heart.

With biscuit in one hand, coffee in the other,

Simon says, 'a perfect gift for your lover.'

Not for you, if you're struggling with a diet,

Otherwise, we suggest you try it.

One of the very nicest biscuits sold,

In the Olympics it would sure win gold.

Biscuit: McVities Quirks

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Asda, Totton

A letter of complaint

Dear Mr Fox,
We are not happy it's plain to see
As we eat your biscuits with our tea
The packaging promised a treat from heaven
But once inside there's only seven
Extremely chocolatey - what a nonsense
We want MORE chocolate on our conscience
If you've been making them since 1853
You haven't progressed much, quite frank-ly
The ingredients promise a coconut taste
You needn't have bothered, what a waste
An advert starring a gangster panda
Is not enough to prevent our slander
We have to say we feel outfoxed
There just aren't enough biscuits in this box.
Yours sincerely,
The Biscuit Poets

Biscuit: Fox's Chunkie Extremely Chocolatey Cookies

Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: £1.79 from Sainsbury's, Portswood

Peanut Cookie Haikus

Dutch nut cookies light
up this damp July morning
as rain slides down glass

Sy and Olly munch
through sugary, salt nut crunch
and so spoil their lunch

Lolling in the sun
peanut cookie picnic fun
rain falls, fun is done

In this recession
you've lifted my depression
Dutch biscuit heaven

Biscuit: Hellema Peanut Cookies

Taste test: 9 out of 10

Cost: 70p from Sainsbury's, Portswood

Ginger Hard Nut Rap

Ginger Nut respect to you

Struttin' wid me gang and crew
You're spicy tang comes tricklin’ thru
You is hard but not as hard as me
And you'll go soft as I dip you in my tea

East-side, West-side whatever neighbourhood
You're so sic coz you taste so good
Man you're fam an' you raise my mood
You is phat but not in size
I is a hard nut, look into my eyes

Biscuit: Ginger Nuts

Taste test: 8.5 out of 10

Cost: 60p from Waitrose, Lymington

Jaffa Cake or Biscuit?

It's easy to make the mistake
of thinking that this is a cake,
for years it has been debated
ever since this biscuit/cake was created.

The Jaffa's appearance will mislead
all those so keen to feed.

It's a schizoid snack
that takes us aback,
in two minds about its status
it causes a taste hiatus.

Dark chocolate leaves us reeling
whilst the orange centre is most a-peeling.

We're glad it has no VAT
and almost zero fat,
the court ruled it's a cake
but we still think it's a biscuit fake.

Biscuit: Jaffa Cake (Biscuit) 

Taste test: 8 out of 10

Cost: £1.19 from Asda, Totton.

RIP Thin Arrowroot Biscuit

We finally laid the arrowroot biscuit to rest

after we gave it the taste test,

during Queen Victoria's reign it was used,

no wonder she never look amused.

Once a staple food of the Empire,

anyone who says it's good is a liar!

Arrowroot is so very versatile,

it can be used as talc on a little child,
it was favoured in colonial times

because it grew so well in our tropical climes.

Also known as the obedience herb,

wanton appetites it did kerb.

With modern ingredients this biscuit could be rearranged,

yet sadly since the 1800's it hasn't changed.

This poem may seem insipid, dull and dry,
if you taste the biscuit you'll soon know why.
There's really nothing more to say
except in rest may this biscuit forever lay.

Biscuit: Crawford's Thin Arrowroot

Taste test: 2 out of 10

Cost: £1.49 from Waitrose in Lymington

A Nailbiting, Finger Lickin' Tale

When I put the finger in my mouth to bite,
I purposefully give the children a fright.
Their young faces, they turn pale,
When I start to crunch into the nail.
The unsettling snap of teeth on bone,
Makes them jump like the ring of a phone.
As I'm chewing on the digit,
The unnerving sound makes the kiddiewinks fidget.
They say "Daddy we won't sleep tonight,
we're frightened, we witnessed an awful sight."
I tell them all -  "Don't be daft,
They're just chocolate fingers made by Kraft."

PS: As a postscript I should disclose, don't use these fingers to pick your nose.

Biscuit: Cadbury Fingers
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Tesco in Lymington

The light, the dark and the plain

You may find milk chocolate digestives

so crunchy and crumbly and such a treat,

but to me their taste simply gives

a sense of excess. They are just too sweet.

But by contrast, I shall always desire

the more subtle plain chocolate digestive,

its dark and bitter and velvet attire,

its demeanour so suave and suggestive.

Biscuit: McVities Milk Chocolate Digestive

Taste test: 7.5 out of 10

Cost: £1.05 from Asda in Totton

Custard Cream Limerick

There was a young girl from Peru,

Who was asked to a fancy dress do,

She fulfilled her dream,

To be a custard cream,

But her date found her too sickly to woo.

Biscuit: Crawford's Custard Cream

Taste test: 7out of 10

Cost: 75p from Asda in Eastleigh

Bourbon's the winner

On your marks.......

It's break time

Our stomachs are rumbling,

The anticipation of biscuits crumbling,

Be quick to stop us runners from grumbling.

Get set.........

It's snack time

Peel the finishing tape off the tin,

Cellophane unwrapped to get within,

The chocolatey bourbon is the prize to win.

Go...........

It's race time

The starting gun goes crack,

Lips begin to smack,

There is no holding back.

The finishing line's in sight,

So many biscuits to bite,

Yet the bourbon's our shining light,

The biscuit lover's true delight.

Biscuit: Bourbon

Taste test: 7.5 out of 10
Cost: 85p from Asda in Totton

Are Nice biscuits Nice?

Et voila, a poetic piece

about a biscuit called Nice,

some poor folk call it Nice,

they really must take our advice...

Said snack was first made in France

so please give the pronunciation a chance,

its origins to 1904 we can trace

and Nice is set in a sans serif typeface.

The discussion remains open wide,

as to the way the class divide,

determines how you articulate,

the name of the biscuit on the plate.

If you're born with a silver spoon,

it appears you say Nice,

like peace.

Whilst if you dance to a peasant's tune,

your favoured choice is Nice,

like mice.

Which one are you?

Biscuit: Nice

Taste test: 6 out of 10 (delicate coconutty taste)

Cost: 50p from Tesco

Norwegian Ballerina

I once had a girl,
A Norwegian ballerina,
With a sweet and creamy demeanour.
My tastebuds had such fun,
As she danced upon my tongue.

I once had a girl,
A viking enchantress,
She was a scandinavian temptress.
Her pirouettes and twirls,
Were mirrored in her biscuit swirls.

I once had a girl,
My love she sought to foster.
But beneath her nordic disguise,
Alas I came to despise,
The dodgy jammie imposter.

So I drowned my sorrows with lager,
To end this norse biscuit saga.

Biscuit: Ballerina
Taste test: 5.5 out of 10

Cost: 30 Krone from Norway (thanks to Richard for buying them for us on his business trip x)

Oh Lemon Puff

Oh lemon puff, oh lemon puff,

Of you I just can’t get enough,

Your tantalising citrus taste
Will put on inches around my waist!

To me you seem an errant knave,

I just can’t get you to behave,

Your crumbliness beyond compare,

You seem to get just everywhere.

As a biscuit you are quite absurd,

More like a cracker with lemon curd,

I feel this state of symbiosis could,

Cause confusion and neurosis.

  

Oh lemon puff, oh lemon puff,

I wish I were made of sterner stuff,

That way I could resist your charm,

My racing heart return to calm.

Biscuit: Jacob's Lemon Puff
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1.69 from Sainsbury's in Christchurch